Nonsensical Contemplations

Fall is coming...

2011-09-05T16:15:00.001-04:00

Today is the first actual fall-feeling day we've had and it's only the first week of September!I realize that this bliss will more than likely not last and that we will plunge back into scorching temperatures again once the real fall weather is supposed to arrive, but I'm enjoying it while I can.I have a long mental list that I wanted to make note of.Autumn festivities that I want to accomplish this season:Plant mums in the window boxes.Make a wreath for our front door.Carve pumpkins.Make cider.Cook with lots and lots of pumpkin, squashes, and spices.Go to an apple orchard and use those apples to make homemade applesauce.Wear lots of scarves.Bike bike bike!Go on a short backpacking trip.Stay warm by the what? WOOD BURNING FIREPLACE!Bonfires at the parent's house.....and many other things that I can't think of now, but will hopefully remember before it's winter and it's too cold to do anything but curl up on the couch.

one week

2011-06-16T13:39:00.001-04:00

nuff said.

WEEEEEEEEEEEIRDDDD

Primrose

2011-05-01T22:36:00.003-04:00

So.... on Thursday Corbin and I closed on our first house!

It's so weird being a homeowner, especially since I don't get to live there yet.
It's been great, though, getting to finally decorate a space however I want.... thankfully Corbin and I have very similar taste.
I must admit, it has been difficult for me to be patient throughout this whole process considering that now that we have a house, I can't stay there yet.
This has definitely made me very excited about marriage.
All in good time, though.
The painting, the lifting, the clutter, the dirt, and the spills have all made for quite an experience.
We were able to get most all of our furniture into the house in a small uhaul and everything is still on one piece, so I'm very fortunate for that.

Anyway, here is a picture of Corbin and I in front of the house.

I'll probably post some pictures on the Fbook once I have some just so people can see.
I'm already in love with the house.

Haha!

2011-04-02T12:00:00.002-04:00

Yes, I did this.

But who cares, I'm just really excited!

2400 Miles West

2011-03-25T18:50:00.003-04:00

About two months ago I was talking to Kaylyn on Skype and we joked around about how great it would be if I flew out to Seattle to visit her. Just for kicks, I went on Southwest.com to look at tickets and to my surprise they were very reasonable. With very little thought, I went for it and bought two non-refundable tickets to Seattle.

I took the day-long, two plane ride journey to Seattle about two weeks ago and I must say, if I ever have the opportunity to take a spontaneous trip like that again I definitely will. I'm not usually the type of person that says "I need this," but I really needed that trip. It was one of the best weeks I've had in a long time. Before I left, I was stressed about finding a house and a job and trying to act normal while I planned a wedding basically by myself. I'm not too girly, so how the heck am I supposed to know what to do in that department?!

Anyway, Seattle was amazing. The weather was cool and windy, but we had some gorgeous sunny days too and each day was different. Kaylyn and I woke up every morning to tea and breakfast, then would plan something to do during the day, then end the night with cooking or ordering in and watching as many movies as our eyes could handle before passing out. We went to Pike's Place Market, went to two different amazing parks, had a spa-like girly day, shopped, and, my favorite, drove to the Cascade Mountains.

This was my favorite day of the whole week. Two hours of great music and we were literally surrounded by feet and feet of snow and gigantic mountains. It was like we traveled across the world, but it was just next door. At the base of the mountain, I wanted to take pictures, so we stopped at this empty lot and explored around. It was amazing. Tall cedar trees that smelled of Christmas and wet moss adorning every plant. It was an entire ecosystem in one tiny lot. I loved it!

Coming home was good, yet an odd adjustment from the free feeling of being so far removed from everything. It has been an adventure, though. Although I've been sick, Corbin and I are in the process of purchasing our first home and I finally feel that I have a plan for my life career-wise. I don't feel stressed and I wake up feeling excited and at peace about everything. I honestly was unsure of when this feeling would come back. I'm so grateful that it has! This year is going to be a good one.

Night Light

2011-02-21T00:11:00.002-05:00

All I can say is....

God really wanted the world to be my playground tonight.

In Response To

2011-01-19T11:04:00.003-05:00

Sitting on the couch in the morning reading other people's blog postings, I have come to realize that I am not alone.

Reading about being down on oneself or trying to find the Spirit of God and having one's head filled with negative and anxiety has made me realize that my problems are no greater than anyone else's.

And... oddly enough, it's extremely comforting.

I think that being human leads us all to believe that our battles are our own and that "no one understands" or "I'm all alone" and "it's no big deal, I can handle it."

FALSE.

I am over accepting all of this negativity and settling for mediocrity!

We are called to live a radical life and although I'm still learning what exactly that means, we need to stop living in our sin and problems and focus on better more brighter things.

Ever since I first got sick almost three years ago (wow, how times flies...), I have really battled with negativity and depression. The first year that I was sick there was rarely a day when I wouldn't cry or I would have something positive to think about. I was literally living in my own filth and each day I was slowly crawling out of my skin. Since then I have recovered for the most part, yes, but I still am dealing with the aftermath and it's definitely a challenge. My dad always tells me that he thinks no one could handle this situation better than I do, but what he doesn't realize is that secretly I still struggle. I often wonder why me because I'm so pitiful and negative about it. Whenever I'm not feeling well it's literally, as I describe, like someone is putting pressure on the "happy thought" portion of my brain, so it's virtually unable to think pleasant thoughts.

You suck, Liz.
Your life....HA! it's lame.
You're boring.
Where are your friends? Do you have...any?
Forget being attractive, you're weak.
What's your purpose?

All plaguing thoughts that come into my head from time to time.

But! I've learned that when this happens it's a test. A product of my illness or whatever you want to call it.

I AM strong. Why?
Because I have God... even though I often forget.

This summer an odd occurrence happened. I like to call it my breakthrough.
I never truly understood or fully believed that someone could actually be attacked by the devil, but after one Sunday it became very real to me. I went to church, Corbin came over and I was in a bad mood for some reason (probably from evil thoughts!), so he left. I was in the house by myself literally whispering negative thoughts under my breath while I made some guacamole. Once I was done making it, I reached out to grab the bowl and I accidentally knocked it off the counter and watched it shatter into a million pieces onto the floor. Instantly I started screaming. It was seriously the craziest thing. A bowl fell onto the floor and broke and I completely lost control. My mind opened up to evil and I couldn't fight it. I was literally screaming and crying so much at this point I almost threw up. I felt hot, under attack and started grabbing at my head. What the heck is going on?! I thought. It was like something was on me I couldn't shake off. I ran into my dad's office and literally hid under his desk screaming for the demon to go away. Shaking, I ran outside and hid in my car. THEN is where God came in and defeated all. I realized after that day that evil is real and we ARE in battle.

This illness that has plagued the human race has got to go! 2011 is a year for winning. A year to be strong and not let the enemy take hold of us. So, after letting the digital world know all of these secrets that I probably shouldn't tell, I just want to say that even though we all suffer and feel some days that we have the world on our shoulders, just know that the ruler of the universe has chosen each and every one of us for something bigger that we could never even imagine. And THAT is something to smile about.

bizarre

2010-11-29T00:36:00.003-05:00

So.... I'm engaged....WHAT?!

It's so bizarre to think about.

I think since I've worked overtime since it happened it hasn't really hit me yet.
I'll look down and see the bling on my finger but for some reason it doesn't seem so strange anymore.
I think this is due to the fact that I've been awaiting this for quite some time.

Ok, so the story.

Thanksgiving day.
Family time.
Food time.
Harry Potter time. (which was awesome by the way)
On the ride home after the movie I was insanely tired, so the two of us didn't really exchange any words (which isn't out of the ordinary by any means for us).
At one point in the silence, he grabbed my hand and I actually remember thinking briefly, "What would it be like if he proposed to me tonight?" But then the thought went away.
We pulled into my driveway on this cold wet evening and I got out of the car to dash into the house.
Before I could even make it up the stairs, Corbin said to hold on, and handed me an envelope with a card in it.
"I want you to read this," he said.
This was weird I thought because he hates it when I read letters in front of him.
I opened the card and it was full with his writing.
My heart instantly began to pound.
This was something big.
I tried to read the letter carefully, but my heart was pounding so fast I could barely see!
At the end it said, "look up now."
I looked up and then it happened.
Me being me I screamed and ran away from him then ran to him then hit him then screamed again then ran away then jumped onto his car and finally back to him again to see the ring at last.
It's beeeautiful!!
We walked in to my awaiting family and we embraced in tears and laughter.
It was a great moment.

I still can't believe it happened, but hey, now I get to plan the rest of my life!
So excited for all of those that I love to embark on this journey with us.

So pumped to marry my best friend :)

Angel Falls

2010-11-16T10:44:00.008-05:00

So, today I sit relaxing after a crazy past two weeks.
I worked 9 days straight, but to get a weekend off to spend with Corbonzo!
We decided to hike to Angel Falls in Big South Fork and camp for the night.
It was quite lovely.
On Saturday, it was really sunny and nice outside, but by the time we reached the top I was very hot and sweaty!

This is the river on the trail before we began the incline.

The hike was pleasant and really cool towards the end.
This is a weird rock formation thing that we hiked through. I said that it felt like an area in an aquarium.

Once at the top, we went to the overlook to rest and stare at the most amazing view. Sadly, I didn't capture any great photos because I couldn't really see my screen. It was so bright up there and very windy!

Here's one:

We camped behind the overlook in a cool little area, had a fire and were in the tent before 8 pm... that's right. We're 22 going on 82.

In the night we were rained on a little bit and in the morning I woke up freezing.
Outside it was beautiful and foggy and we got to hike down in the rain.
Nothing like an adventure with your favorite person in the whole world.

The End Draws Near

2010-10-31T23:54:00.002-04:00

Kya and I ventured with my dad to explore autumn's affects on Carl Road. In doing so, we attracted 44 cows that became very intrigued by our presence. Kya loved it.

I can't believe that November begins tomorrow. It's really strange to think about. Just over two months ago I was unemployed and now I am fully immersed in my job. It's very busy, but beginning to feel more comfortable. I feel at peace. Seeing the leaves change color and breathing in the cooler air makes me realize that everything that once seemed chaotic is now going to be alright. I feel change in the air and it's a good thing this time. No more confusion or anxiety, just the pure thrill of something new. I want to grasp it so badly now, but I think I'll just sit back and enjoy my favorite time of year not being anxious in anything, but instead enjoying what God has given me. I need to continue to be more patient and days like this one with Kya will only seem more glorious.

I sure do love that pup.

Fall is Here!

2010-10-05T00:41:00.003-04:00

So, I'm not really in the mood to write this, especially since I don't blog much anymore, but I thought I would anyway at 11:42 this fine Monday evening.

Life... is great.
Life is Good.
Sadly, this is a popular brand sold at "The Binks."

Holding the position of an Assistant Manager of a locally owned retail store is much different than I thought it would be.
I definitely have responsibility, but I find myself constantly wondering what it would be like if I was actually doing something that I loved.
This, for certain, is not what I'm meant to do.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am extremely content and feel very blessed when I wake up each morning, but...
what is it that I'm called to do?
I feel that I'm supposed to pursue my dream of cooking or opening a restaurant or helping people with their dietary needs, but how?
I'm not worried that I will not be guided in my quest by a large helping hand, but sometimes I have to be my impatient human self and question when I will know/ understand how to embark on my next quest.

On the other hand, I have met some pretty interesting people at work and enjoy being able to relax around them.
Corbin is now employed, so I like feeling that we have our "adult" lives underway and knowing that we are actually accomplishing things during the day.
Kya is here now when I return home from work and that is certainly rewarding.
I'm... figuring it all out.
Hey... how could I complain now that Netflix has added Season 6 of the Office and Season 4 of 30 Rock to instant streaming?!

Anyway, here's a recent photo I took for Corbin of the lovely fall stars at night.
This definitely is why I love where my parents live and hope that they will never move.
Hip hip hooray for fall weather!

WHAT

2010-08-10T23:18:00.002-04:00

....has nashville become?!

i had an interview this past friday afternoon at a boutique in green hills.
i met with the sweet owners and had a very laid back interview.
after we had been talking for a few minutes, the lady looked at me and said sorry i have an important call i need to take.
her husband proceeded to ask me (while his wife took the call) if i knew of gwentyth paltrow.
i, of course, said yes.
turns out she was a client of theirs... and she was on the phone with his wife as i sat there.
THEN the lady came back in and was texting gwenyth a picture from her phone.

wow.
what an awakening to how insane nashville has become.
i'm still trying to adjust and now i know why it's taking a little longer than expected.

trying to figure everything out

2010-08-03T12:56:00.002-04:00

I have no idea why I am writing about this know, but let's just not think about it.

This summer has been an interesting one, full of excitement, anxiety, loneliness, productivity, and discomfort.

It's definitely weird adjusting to being out of college. Friends are different, days are different... life is just.. different.
I'm getting used to it, though.
Sadly, the weather is putting a damper to my productivity, though.
This week has been recorded as the hottest week here since 2007... that's nuts!
Reason #3039 why I am more that ready to move out West.

Last week my dad and I biked 22 miles down the Natchez Trace and have to postpone until the weather lightens up. We've been getting better with our mileage and hope to start really increasing our distance once it begins to cool down some.

This morning was an odd one. I had a phone interview for an Assistant Director's position for a campaign agency supporting human rights groups. The interview, to say the least, was embarrassing. I honestly applied for this job thinking that no one would contact me back.. especially since the position would be in a city far away! I spoke with a lady and completely BSed my way through the screening saying how much I enjoy being a leader and taking control of situations... yeah right. Let's just say that after about 5 minutes, I think she was very ready for the interview to be over. Oh well.

Tomorrow I'm going jet skiing with Corbin just for the heck of it. Yeah, the economy sucks and I don't have a job, but I told myself to screw it and just go have a good time. Right now life is pretty inexpensive anyway. Other than Kya, the occassional dinner, and gas, there's not much else.

This post was worthless, but I'm bored enough not to mind at the moment.

success

2010-06-30T12:19:00.002-04:00

Today I got back on track biking and successfully completed 21 miles!

It's really great riding out here and I'm loving my new bike.
I hope that I can start adding mileage on quickly and make it to 50 by the end of next month.

Only advice I have for myself from here on out....
Don't forget to raise the seat after your mother borrows your bike...your legs and butt will want to die.

Pray pray pray for job opportunities!!
Corbin by the end of the week will have had three interviews, so hopefully something will come from that.
It's all very exciting.

The pup is great and 4th of July weekend is coming up!
I miss my Knoxvillian friends, though :(

PS Julie if you read this, PLEASE come to nashville this weekend with Jeff!!!
Miss you guys like CRAZY.

Kya

2010-06-18T10:19:00.004-04:00

So.... Kya is pretty much one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Corbin and I got Kya this past Monday in DuQuoin, IL.
On the way there, we quickly learned that this city was in no sorts a bursting metropolis, but instead, as stated by Corbin, "the place where creativity goes to die." This was only said because on the way there we crossed a muddy river called Big Muddy River.

After driving through the countryside, we found the breeder's house and were able to meet our baby.

Kya is the best.
She slept the entire 4 hour drive home without making a peep and by the end of a long day she could already recognize who her owners were.
She is already crate trained and will hopefully soon realize the need to go to the bathroom outside...

I am so excited about this puppy.
I await the day that we can teach her how to do cool tricks and fetch the frisbee at the park.
Until then, I will gladly enjoy the moments of her playing with my cat, doing accidental somersaults while she tries to scratch her belly, and waking herself up from barking in her sleep.
She really is like a baby.
I am quickly learning patience and enduring occasional frustration, but it'll improve.
Then I will finally be able to sleep past 7 am and hang out with friends later than 9 pm!

First family photo:

(And.... about the pic.... this was a random stop on the way home. Largest statue of Superman. Thank you Illinois.)

it's here. it's now.

2010-05-05T11:43:00.002-04:00

college is literally drawing to an end.
i can say that at this point i am feeling every emotion possible.
as i type this my heart is actually fluttering.
i feel so anxious, yet ecstatic, yet sad, yet angry, confused, passive, but nervous.
it's such an odd feeling that lately i haven't known what to do with it or how to react.
i want to feel at peace and relaxed, but i've never felt more stressed.
i want to be four years old again.
make a fort out of blankets and pillows and hide.
i want to hide deep where no one can find me.
age, the world... no one would find me.
i would just be hidden deep in my cave of comfort.
i hate feeling this way, especially since i've developed such awful habits when things are drawing to an end.
lately i've found myself getting in my car and driving until i cry at least once.
i have so many questions and i'm becoming too impatient to wait for answers.
why NOW do i realize that i have no clue what i want to do with my life?
why NOW do i realize that i have no common connections with my roommates and living here feels weird?
why NOW am i questioning love and happiness and God and existence?
it just seems so strange.
why am i writing this for the world to see, yet i find that i can't communicate it to an actual person?
this is such an odd time!
i'm not trying to sound pathetic or searching for pity... i think if you know me, you know that i'm a reasonably lighthearted happy person.
i think i'm just realizing that this age, this age that i thought would never come, is finally here...
and i need to embrace it.

aaaaand finals start now...
ready
set

go.

almost over

2010-04-12T12:18:00.002-04:00

seriously?
really?
i am crawling out of my skin.
mainly this is because the air conditioning in humanities is breaking all of the "green" rules that UT apparently stands for.
i have mixed feelings these days.
i wake up ready to start the day.
i feel happy.
the sun radiates through my blinds like a soft kiss.
three weeks of this mundane life.
but what after?
Liz Kirk Part two: The Real World a.k.a. Life
WHAT!!!
i realized on friday after dinner with julie that i am beginning to cling to knoxville more.
who knew that that could ever happen.
the sun was setting over the downtown skyline and i began the realize that maybe i actually will miss this.
college life is bliss and for me it's coming to an end.
i may be somewhat afraid, but at the same time i am quite anxious.
i am putting a period on one portion of my life and capitalizing the letter of the first word on the next part.
it's weird.
big things are coming, i can feel it.
i need a change, though.
i am so happy here, yet i feel so stale.
my life with god is like old bread.
you eat it, but is not very satisfying.
it just tastes old and dry.
i hope that my life in nashville will be new and exciting.
full of opportunity and growth.
i turn to this new portion of my life with eyes wide open, ready to see what all is in store.

p.s. dear knoxville greenway, i will miss you dearly.

Laughter is the best medicine

2010-04-08T19:42:00.001-04:00

Watch THIS

2010-03-29T11:50:00.001-04:00

look at what technology is up to these days:
http://www.yikebike.com/site/gallery/video/yikebike-discovery-channel

i am radiating

2010-03-18T22:14:00.001-04:00

with happiness.

it's drawing near...

2010-02-24T12:41:00.002-05:00

spring break.
i need it.

you know, i'm actually more excited about it than i can express. this weather has left me feeling so tired and quiet the past few days, at this point any glimpse of the sun would be quite pleasant. this weekend was a nice treat, though. saturday i got to feel completely free for the first time in a while. it was such a treat. my friend from earth fare, sarah, (and how cool to still have friends from work!) and i randomly decided to journey to the atl for the day and shop...literally until we dropped. it was wonderful. i feel that i am so conservative with my money and always complaining about it. it has such a strong hold on me! am i poor? no. starving? no. do i spend money? nope. it felt good to go treat myself to things that i would never do on a regular basis. i wasn't worried about money and it felt so good. oh, and don't worry, i'm not broke now or anything...

sunday proved to be a freeing day as well. geeze, i guess i just really needed this weekend. i woke up feeling productive and accomplished little things here and there for a few hours then decided to sit on my front stoop and soak up the sun. it felt marvelous. this is why i am so anxiously anticipating the beach. feeling the sun being absorbed into every pore, waking them up from their long winter's nap. it's bliss.

not wanting to waste any of the day's beauty, i decided to find something to do. corbin beat me to it and we decided to study outside on campus. people are weird on these days in the ampitheatre... we didn't stay long and rode his motorcycle around. not knowing how to fill the rest of our day, he decided that i was ready. for what you ask? to have a lesson... on how to drive his bike. bah! it sounded crazy to me, but if he wanted to do it, then by all means count me in. that thing is scarier than it looks, by the way. it's heavy and is FAST. well, long story short, after a few passes around the parking lot in first gear with my hand never leaving the clutch, i drove on a back road and was able to put it in second gear! not going to lie, i felt a bit cool after that... well, until the battery died and taylor had to rescue us. minor detail.

this week school is going to kick my fanny. yep, fanny.
oh spring break... hurry up si vous plait!

come back to me

2010-02-11T11:27:00.002-05:00

Much like Ethan, I am having serious withdraws from the sunlight. This lack of sun and knowledge that when I open the front door I will be slapped in the face with a winter chill makes it very difficult to get out from under my covers. Yesterday at approximately 8:43 am I was walking to class. 20 degrees. Lots of snow. If I breathed through my nose, my sinuses would instantly be attacked by a clump of snowflakes. If I breathed through my mouth, I would instead choke on these piercing flakes. The only part of my painful walk that I enjoyed was when several snowflakes landed on my eyelashes. I guess now I know what Julie Andrews was singing about in The Sound of Music...

Really, the point of all of this is to ask why, why sun will you not come and save me from this dismal weather?! I need warmth and some blue sky!!

Also, I'm frustrated in LOST. Oh well, at least I have the Office and 30 Rock to relieve my spirits tonight.

Found

2010-02-02T13:28:00.003-05:00

Get it? Because LOST comes on tonight...wah waah.

So, today I was again forced to feel like a girl at a middle school dance. Beginning ice skating class. Yes, I have white skates on, I know, and yes I did skate, thanks. The complete awkwardness. "Guys, place your hand on the girl's hip with your right hand and hold her left arm out." This is how you get to meet random people. Standing in a line on the ice waiting for a guy to come up and introduce himself as he awkwardly places his right hand on your butt, and not on your hip. It's great, really it is...

Nevertheless, I am so content right now I feel that I am bursting at the seams. One exam over, another one about to get out of the way. No feeling of stress. Feeling stronger...in mind and body. Content. SNOW. I mean, seriously, there's really nothing to complain about. We live in such an amazing world.

"Sometimes..there's so much beauty in the world...I feel as if I can't take it."

pure excitement.

2009-12-14T19:51:00.002-05:00

so, friday i finally met a local nashville photographer that i have been in touch with on and off this semester.
i was really nervous about meeting him because this could or could not have been a potential step toward my future career.
his studio is located in the heart of nashville on cannery row right next to mercy lounge, so pulling in i immediately began to freak out.
i walked up to his studio, was escorted in and sat down staring at what i have envisioned as a dream studio my entire life.
i literally thought i was going to swallow my heart it was pounding so fast.
i sat down, had an hour-long chat with tracy and after a while he paused and looked at me.
he asked, "are you prepared for an exciting yet exhausting job?"
trying not to sound scared out of my mind, i replied, "yeah, definitely."
his response was this: "alright, be here sunday at 10:30. you're going to be my assistant all day for a really big shoot. bring your camera."
i think my eyes almost popped out of my head!
i had no idea that he was going to throw me in there so quickly.
anyway, sunday rolled around and it was one of the most amazing yet exhausting days of my life.
i was on my feet from 10:30 until 8 (and that was letting me go early), didn't go to the bathroom and didn't have much of a break to ever eat, but learned more than i have ever learned in a photo class.
once the day was over, he gave me a hug, said i did great, and asked me if i could come back next weekend to do a shoot saturday and monday.
so, now, i am the paid intern!!
i had no expectation of pay, i didn't even think he would be interested in me being there.
this definitely has proven to me that persistence will definitely reward you in the end.
today i feel...pure excitement.

Hope

2009-12-01T00:58:00.004-05:00

first off, i want to say thanks to ben for really highlighting what i've been feeling with christmas coming. growing older has definitely made this a difficult holiday for me to experience.

i was talking to my mom sunday about how i've been feeling lately with everything going on in my life and i've come to this conclusion: it's not going to be easy and it isn't always going to be fun.
may sound depressing, but what i have suddenly realized is that i have trouble enduring change. there is so much occurring around me right now and occasionally it leaves me in an emotional breakdown. people begin to ask questions. the same questions. over...and over. what are you doing after you graduate? where will you be living? do you think you'll be getting engaged soon? what are your feeling about marriage? the questions don't stop. i think this is why i can barely make it through a day without taking a nap. i am exhausted. my brain never shuts down.

thanksgiving break was what i really needed i think. it was a nice preview as to how christmas break will be. yes, i have greatly struggled with finding contentment here in knoxville this semester, but i think what i need is physical separation. a mental holiday, if you will. i want to feel God in my life again. i haven't felt him in a long time and i think that has played a great role in my life recently. i don't feel spiritually connected here. i'm not growing. this is definitely my own fault, but i'm realizing that i might need a little help. a push.

once again...change is not easy. i am in a constant struggle to find peace within my house. friendships are broken. i feel that i am holding grudges and becoming frustrated over petty things. i no longer know how to confront. i feel so awkward. why? isn't this supposed to be the moment where i am growing in maturity? i feel that i have become very independent, but why do i feel so awkward in the world? i think i'm just unable to face the fact that next year is a year of mystery for me and that i have absolutely no control over it. as afraid as i am in all of this, i am also unbelievably excited. i am walking into the world of the unknown. i am not sure who knows, and honestly i do not care to share with the world wide web, but i am planning on following corbin next year. this decision does not scare me in the slightest; i am honestly very excited about it. he is kind of the main thing that i'm sure about these days. friendships are up and down, even my relationship with him, but overall i have finally come to the realization that any relationship i have in life will be like that. i am human and i am inconsistent. i am currently trying to be more real with people. none of this fake crap anymore. not to sound harsh or anything, but this is the main reason why i do not take part in ruf events anymore. i love what they are doing, but it began to feel too much like a social event. a social bubble with no diversity. i loooong for diversity. crave it. this is why i love bethel (my church at home) so much. real people, real diversity...on fire for God..and they love me. they love me and they don't even know me. i recommend going if you haven't before. for me at least, i usually leave the church feeling so cleansed.

i need that in my life right now.
i am headed toward my last semester of college.
21 hours.
no job.
less connection with friends.
...but with hope that only the best will come out of all of this.

more.

2009-10-31T22:09:00.002-04:00

Today, I decided I'd take a nap in my car because I got to work very early. As I was waking up from my nap, I saw a cop looking right at me. Turns out, a lady who'd parked her car right next to mine after I was asleep had called the cops on me because she thought I was dead. FML

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year old dog that has been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got it home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

website.

2009-10-10T18:33:00.000-04:00

Check it out!!!

http://lizkirkphoto.showitsite.com/#/landing/

i am a bird

2009-10-04T22:31:00.002-04:00

on friday i flew.
flew like a bird.
2000 feet in the air.

(corbin took me hangglinding for my burfday)

eventually i will have the pictures scanned and on my computer.

i'm going to U2 on tuesday with corbin, jeff, julie, and gary!!!
ahhhh!!!
tres tres bizarre.

september

2009-09-02T23:26:00.002-04:00

so, it's already september and i'm kind of beginning to think, "wow...the end is really drawing near." it's a bizarre feeling. bittersweet.

at the beginning of this semester i was severely unhappy. i had had a pretty crummy summer, had just returned from the most amazing vacation, and got to be in knoxville...again.

i'll just be completely honest and say that my time of love for knoxville has definitely ended. this is not supposed to sound cynical or really bad in any sense, i just think that my time here is about over and i'm ready to move on to somewhere else.

everything here seems stale.

my life has become very organized and i think i'm kind of disliking that. i mean, each day is literally constructed by a list on a post-it note on my desk. i find pleasure in crossing things off. each day is a strict schedule of class, homework, and work. that really is mostly what my time consists of.

i will say, though, there are several people that i've been making time for and they seriously have made all the difference.

corbin. brittni. lydia. mary.

need i say more?
i love these people. absolutely love them.

i've learned that making time to see people...making an effort...is worth everything.

aside from all of this, i have decided at a really awkard time that what i really want to do with my life is not at all what i'm actually doing.

i've decided to graduate in may, then go back to school somewhere far away and get a degree in nutrition. i feel like this has really become my passion. now, i'm not saying that i want to cross out photography...that would be a big lie. i just want to put that on the backburner for now. learm more as i go...maybe have a little business on the side. i mean, i got asked to photograph a girl's wedding that i know in may, so that could be a start although i'm very nervous about it.

it's all just a lot to process...
but in the meantime, i cannot wait for autumn.

just how bored i am...

2009-07-14T00:51:00.002-04:00

some FML gems...

Today, I was in charge of throwing a party for my mom. I told my little brother he was suppose to blow up the balloons which were in my dresser. Apparently, he accidentally found all my condoms, unknowingly, and decorated the house in prophylactics instead of balloons. Happy Birthday, Mom. FML

Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML

Today, through AIM, I told my ex boyfriend that I still have really deep feelings for him. The message I sent him was really long and took me almost an hour to write. His response? "Dun dun dunnn, the plot thickens!" Then he signed off. FML

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

Today, I receved a parking ticket for $150 from my husband who is a police officer and who aparently can't remember licence plate numbers. FML

charlie

2009-07-13T23:43:00.001-04:00

this cat is crazy.

working at earth fare is crazy.

i'm now 21 and about to begin my final year of college...
crazy.

corbin is amazing...not crazy.

I CANT WAIT TO SEE HARRY POTTER

the end.

nerves

2009-06-21T20:15:00.003-04:00

i don't know why, but lately i've been kind of stressed by really stupid things. i am looking too far ahead instead of focusing on what's happening right now. it's frustrating. i think i've just entered one of those places where i'm 'lukewarm' and not on fire by anything. this happens way too often. the sad thing, though, is that i have no strong desire to change. whhyyy do people do this? i feel sometimes that i'm the worst. that's probably a selfish thought. i'm not sure.

i start work this week and i'm really nervous. i know it will be great..it's just getting through the initial stage that sucks usually. honestly, i think what makes me nervous is the fact that i'm entering my final year at UT and i'm afraid that i'm not really going to be around much. i'll be taking a pretty heavy load at school and whenever i'm free i'll either be working or doing homework. i feel that that leaves little time to be around those i love. i saw ethan last night and we talked about how we wanted to actually see people more this year. i guess i was just thinking about it and realized that i would be so disappoined if i couldn't be a part of that.

this really is a worthless post. i'll try and find something more interesting to post later.

i'll leave whoever actually reads this with this statement from fmylife.com:

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

will

2009-06-02T16:53:00.005-04:00

i found these on my computer....they're incredible.

when lady and critter were wee ones.

so incredibly attractive...apparently ben agrees, and can't seem to control his laughter.
i can't believe we ever looked like this.

wiiiiiiillllll. hahaha i just had to put this on here.
look how chewy.

je suis fatigue

2009-06-01T21:13:00.003-04:00

oh, i have a new blog of my cooking adventures from this summer...check it.

as i sit here barely awake, i stumble upon this:

"when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born--and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible."

i have no clue who wrote it, but i love it.
i feel like this is how my life has been unfolding over the past year.
so many things were not working out, but all is well right now and i'm very happy to just...be.

the confessionals of a dashboard

2009-05-30T21:10:00.004-04:00

so...corbin and i ventured to atlanta this past wednesday and saw the national.
it was incredible.
on the way home, we began with a bunch of loud songs that we hadn't heard in a while and sang along to each as loudly as we could.
after finding a mix a friend had made me in my cd player, corbin just kind of, you know, sang along.
to those who have never experienced this side of corbin....here you go.

i love it.

goodbye, dear boy

2009-05-26T19:04:00.003-04:00

today has been an interesting one.
i awoke at 11, disappointed once again that i cannot seem to wake up at a decent hour to begin the day.
i ate a banana.
woke up alice.
got a babysitting job for next week.
went to the bursar's office to rid myself of almost two grand... thanks, UT.
complained about the humidity and dislike for southern summer weather.
sat at home almost bored to tears, then received one of the most disappointing phone calls in my life.
my darling dog, critter, whom i have known for almost my entire life had to be put to sleep this afternoon.
i was home this past weekend, and barely saw him, but mainly because i was unaware that he was doing so poorly.
my dad had to pull the trigger today by making the decision at the vet's office, and once again i was reminded that i am not made of stone and am quite capable of crying for a solid amount of time.
i honestly have no idea why i am writing this now, especially on such a public domain, but i really just want to clear my head.
this dog was one of the reasons that everyone who knows me understands my undying love for canines.
he was one of my best friends.
i remember when we first got him.
we went to a farm and bought him and lady, his sister.
my grandfather called him a puppy with a bad monkey suit.
he was the runt of the litter and probably one of the most pitifully adorable creatures i've ever seen.
that was twelve years ago.
i hope that i can have my own dog someday that can live up to him.
he was a good one that can't really be beat.

my undying love for canines

2009-05-22T14:10:00.002-04:00

i was watching this video the other night and i doubt that i have ever had that much trouble breathing from laughing.

dogs make my life complete.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGxqxTw4qLc

here goes nothing...

2009-05-13T13:49:00.003-04:00

so, my goal this summer is to get in shape again.
today i start my day of training for training's sake....
running.

i am convinced that there will be a day in my life that i can enjoy this....
hopefully.

climbing, hiking, and any other thing is a must.
i want to live in the outdoors this summer and enjoy every minute of it.

'cause nothing will last forever

2009-04-15T19:48:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted on this in forever.
There have been so many random things that have been happening, I can't even seem to keep track.
I have noticed my great struggle to become grown up now.
This was something that I couldn't seem to shake, but it has improved greatly.
I am already looking at grad schools and will be applying next year.
I feel such a lack of confidence in where I want to go and what I want to do.
I was preventing myself from staying up late and going out with friends.
I was acting like I wasn't in college and was trying to become this artificial stiff person.
The past two weeks this has changed greatly.
I think I have finally overcome my endless stream of illness and last weekend I actually went out and stayed up late.
Yes, I do need to think maturely in the sense that I have some important decisions to make in the near future, but that doesn't mean that I have to pretend that I'm a boring adult.
I mean, come on, I couldn't even pull that off if I wanted to. I barely look my age anyway.
The stress from the two weeks of school I have left has suddenly left me for no apparent reason.
This is odd considering today that I found out that I have surpassed the amount of absences I'm allowed for digital photo which means that I could possibly fail.
I won't lie, I left class fighting back some major tears, realizing that I am about to fail the class that has my major as its title, but that doesn't mean that I can't press on and hold my head high.
After an outing with Annie to eat the best crepes I have ever had (food makes everything better) I am feeling at peace.
I can do this.
I want to be a photographer and damnit, I will become one!
My mom sent me a link of a gorgeous married couple that has their own studio in Savannah, and after reading their bio I feel completely inspired.
They had no educational training whatsoever and their work is beautiful and they're successful.
If this is what I want and am passionate about, then why not just go for it!
I can get there.
God knows how to lead me, I think now all I need to do is learn how to be a better follower.

Ok....now for some new stuff. This is very early in the making, but here are some pictures I took last night for my final self-assigned project. I am calling it "painting with light." Michael and Leah were so dear to take time away from being together to help me. It was loads of fun.

sunny and warm

2009-03-22T16:43:00.002-04:00

i have spent the past week in destin and am now back in knoxville.
honestly, this week couldn't have been any better.
it was exactly what i needed.
new friends and old friends together on the sand, in the waves, basking in the sun...
perfect.
i finished a book.
i became covered with new freckles.
i laughed a very large amount and i was so relaxed.
the drive back was great too with will, jeff, and gary.
any car ride that consists primarily of soundtrack listening is deemed perfect in my book.
getting back was kind of bittersweet, though.
the initial step out of will's car was unpleasant considering that it was a good twenty degrees cooler than the previous time i had been out of the car.
a deep sigh and back i went into the life that is knoxville.
after two days i have finally accepted being back and i am content with it.
my hands are stained thalo blue with spots of 1796 from the print lab and i am about to pick up a new book i purchased yesterday.
this book comes highly recommended by me already.
it's steinbeck's "travels with charlie."
if you haven't already, please read it.
i was crying laughing yesterday.
what a witty man.

236

2009-03-10T00:42:00.001-04:00

my video prof. humiliated me in front of the entire class today.
i cried.
i never cry.

i can't wait to be basking in the sun...

As of Late and Some Pictures

2009-03-04T22:29:00.005-05:00

So, lately life has been so good.
I hit an ultimate low point last week and after realizing that I was not myself, I decided to change the way each day was going.
This week, after many hours spent slaving over art projects in the A and A, I am feeling so different.
I have energy again.
I feel like I'm radiating with smiles...because each day seems only to get better.
Sometimes effort is needed to move forward.
I wasn't really moving forward before.
I was standing still.
Now I'm me again.

Aside from this, I am really loving my digital photo class.
Here are some projects that I've completed this semester:

This was an erasing project. I erased Alice's cell phone to prove how addicted we are to technology. It didn't turn out how I wanted, but oh well.

This is my composite of an alley behind market square:

I was going to add another picture, but my computer loves to mess with me, so it won't let me add it right now...soon to come, soon to come.

road rage

2009-02-11T19:18:00.002-05:00

the power is out at me casa.
i sit alone in the library.
every day that passes seems to be yet another check off of my list.
nothing really seems special about any day.
i am pretty content, though.
i just feel that i'm in this stagnant state where nothing is really changing.
nothing sticks out to me.
i feel like i'm floating through time.
i'm still struggling to breathe.
i'm that annoying girl in your class that sounds repulsive every time she coughs.
when i talk i sound like i'm about to go through puberty.
it's really attractive; people should be jealous.

today i was behind one of those old lady drivers that you wonder how people even let her out of the house. driving west on kingston the road was actually quite dangerous to be driving on. it was right at the peak of rush hour and the roads were very wet from the storm. the sun was beginning to set and reflected gold like a spear to your eye. i really thought i was going blind as the seconds passed. luckily i can see just fine as i type this. now i understand that visibility was slim, but this lady had no clue what she was doing. despite the fact that she was going slow, she almost caused a wreck, which caused me to swerve into the right lane. her brakes screeched and i just kind of sat next to her with a nervous expression on my face. she had her hand up in the air trying to block the unlight, but obviously this was is no way working in her favor. she then preceded to drive into the opposite lane thinking that it was a turn lane. at this point i had moved back behind her in the line of cars at the light at lyon's view to turn left. the light wasn't working, so it was finctioning as a 3-way stop. the lady went left around the cars on the wrong side of the road thinking it was a turn lane. cars were honking at her and she would not move. thankfully, she finally did and i drove home confused at why she even owned a car.

i hope i'm not one of those when i'm that age.

faster better stronger

2009-02-05T22:16:00.003-05:00

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

--James 1:2-4

My mom gave me this verse this weekend and it filled me with peace.
I feel like I'm being molded into someone that's meant to help others.
I am feeling stronger.
I still have weak points, but I am finally learning instead of fighting.
I don't feel overwhelmed or overly stressed.
This is such a blessing.

I will put pictures on here eventually...

as i lay in bed

2009-01-30T11:55:00.005-05:00

having been awake off and on since 5 am, i feel that i have had an ample amount of time to contemplate things.
the past year has been quite an odd one for me.
i feel that i can safely say that i am not a very emotional person and over the course of the past year, i feel that i have felt every emotion possible.
having been consistently ill, i often have questioned God's presence in my life.
this has been a big question lately.
i feel like most days i go to sleep contemplating if things would be better if i just never woke up in the morning.
i wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore.
my body would be healed.
i don't think i've ever been so physically and emotionally exhausted.
moving and thinking is quite a task for me to complete.
i just wish i could sail way to some distant place sometimes...
but then... i wouldn't get to experience the joy of roommates running into my room to tell me that it's snowing.
or laugh at things until my sides ache.
or listen to music that makes my insides hurt.
or dance like an idiot.
or feel love.
it's almost as if it takes writing what i'm feeling for me to realize that there are good things in my life.
i seem to always forget.
i may be confused by the fact that being ill at the moment has cost two-hundred dollars and that i still have a long way to go, but as i was telling alice the other day, i guess it's better that it's me than someone else who couldn't handle it.
i'm constantly learning through all of this and i think it is making me stronger.
i've had to learn how to be very patient.
now i can just sit in bed, eat rosemary potatoes, drink tea, and wait until i get to go home and let my mom take care of me.
i guess it's not so bad.

Place

2009-01-27T22:29:00.003-05:00

today earl and i embarked on the wonderful journey of printing.
i sweat.
we pulled six prints.
one newsprint.
five on BFK white.

this is my interpretation of place:

non-narcotic

2009-01-26T18:54:00.002-05:00

good lord, it's like my body refuses to heal itself.
i have bronchitis now and am on "non-narcotic" cough suppressants and antibiotics.
i think i have pulled a muscle in my side.
c'est tres bizarre.

this weekend i went skiing.
i was on my butt the majority of the time, but finally got the hang of it again.
sunday i attended my first ski class and it was pretty enjoyable.
my instructor, quotes alice, probably was a pot-head at some point in his life.
he has a walrus mustache and goes by rob.
a snowboarder almost took him out and then got mad.
i chuckled.

i pull my first print tomorrow.
i'm extremely excited about it.
earl (my 52 lb. limestone) will hopefully cooperate.
i'm actually pleased with how the sketch looks on the stone, so we shall see.

i'm ready for warmth.
i wish to be at the beach.
already.

tonight i will hopefully sleep.

the low tonight is 9 degrees

2009-01-16T15:13:00.003-05:00

that is so miserably cold.
i went to the grocery today in shorts.
a man told me that i was very brave, but i was young, so i could do it just fine.
everything has been weird lately.
i am angry or sad most of the time.
seldom do i feel content or at peace.
i'm restless.
lonely.
frustrated.
i think i shall sleep on it.
although... i've been sleeping on it for a few weeks.
no improvement.

cranberry apple zinger and ginger

2008-12-16T19:49:00.003-05:00

my mug is a third empty.
my insides are warm.
the library is dim.
synthetic voices.
woods.
liars.
and i can't stop.
thinking about it.
i'm thinking about it.

giving thanks

2008-11-27T21:33:00.002-05:00

Yes, I am writing on Thanksgiving.
But... I am just so thankful right now.
Seriously.
I am surrounded by so many incredible people on a daily basis.
I am content with my life.
Everything's just...incredible.

I just wrote a poem for my english class.
It's entitled "Beauty is Fleeting."
After writing it, it kind of made me mad.
The media SUCKS.
Being beautiful is no longer being natural or happy, but instead it's all about artificial contentment.
Everyone is a fake.
Well, not everyone, but the people that become absorbed in the world certainly are.
I don't want to be like that.
For a time that was me...I never want to be like that again.
I want to be alive and joyful.
THANKFUL for what I have at all times.
Life is good.

sitting by the fire

2008-10-29T21:34:00.002-04:00

warmth.
crackling fire.
silence.

i feel at ease.
i've been around more.
at home.
spending time with roommates.
i forget how precious time with them is.
it really is so important.
i love my house.

oh maaaannn, i'm going to be Syndrome from the Incredibles for halloween.
it's no link, but it's still ridiculous.
i have nothing more to say.

what it is

2008-10-22T00:23:00.003-04:00

So I suddenly have this urge to write. I don't write on this thing much, but sitting here in the darkness of my living room, I just really want an excuse to type something. Anything.

I have been learning almost more than my brain can handle lately.
Life is... odd.
Is that the word I'm looking for?
No.
Life is... peculiar.
It kind of baffles me.
It's amazing how one moment you feel such a strong emotion about or towards something and then the next you feel completely different.
I feel.... full.
I am surrounded by more love than I realized.
I take so much for granted.
Money, school, careers, relationships, self-image, family, friends, the future... I get so wrapped up in all of that.
It's sickening.
Lately, though, I've felt different.
I wake up smiling.
I feel confident.
Why?
Because the one who created the world loves me more than I can comprehend.
I feel like once this is realized the puzzle pieces that make up our lives suddenly fall into place.
Life makes a little more sense. It's less complicated. It feels more natural.

i can tilt my head back. close my eyes. feel the chill of the autumn breeze on my neck. it sends a shiver down my spine. i open my eyes. the crystal blue sky surrounds me. goodness. how i love to hear the sound of dead leaves crunch beneath my feet. it's a relaxing sound. the smell of the leaves. the sun sets earlier and earlier every day. need i say more? fall is the best season there is. i can only pray that the weather will continue to be this lovely.

i think harry potter is coming soon to defeat the voldemort that resides in my belly. good lord, i hope so.

completely random non-cohesive post complete.

voldemort

2008-10-12T17:33:00.001-04:00

damn you parasite.

if only things were easier

2008-09-22T00:55:00.002-04:00

i mean... yeah. i have noticed lately that things that i always thought would be easy, just aren't. i've placed high standards on way too many things in my life. we aren't always going to be content where we are. life isn't full of sunshine and daisies all of the time.

i have placed myself in the oddest emotional position.
am i upset? no.
angry? no.
happy? no.
confused? i guess...
i feel like i'm supposed to be able to label what i'm feeling right now, but i can't quite place my finger on it. something isn't right and i don't know how to fix it... but that's just it. i don't have to fix anything. i feel like i'm always needing to fix something.

i start saying all of these things and i think now i'm just going to stop. i feel like i start to ramble on about things that i do wrong or things that i could do better, when in reality i just need to quit. quit talking. quit trying to control everything. i just need to let things happen naturally.

i need to sleep is what i think i need to do.

i've got a lot to work on. i want to become confident in christ and be pleased with how things are. i take way too much for granted. this was a jumbled post... much like my brain is right now, but i feel much much better. la fin.

it's cold in here, but i wish it was hot

2008-09-03T22:19:00.004-04:00

actually it's quite warm in here... i just really like ryan adams.

everything has been wonderful as of late. relationships.
life in general.
i'm still sick, though, and that has been an issue lately.
i feel so productive. so content. yet uncomfortable most of the time. in pain.
it's frustrating, but i'm trying to be optimistic.

i've noticed lately that i'm not as confident of a person as i once felt i was.
this is not by any means stated selfishly.
i feel ok with myself, yet i get nervous over such simple things.
speech scares me senseless.
the future terrifies me.
relationships make me want to hide in a dark corner.
i avoid confrontation. i run away from stress and sadness. i try and run away from closeness.
the idea of being close scares me, but i'm learning to accept and in a sense desire it.

i want it to be fall so bad. i want to wake up to a slight chill in the air. firey leaves on trees.
fog.
blue sky patched with white wispy clouds.
listening to sun kil moon with the windows down.
excursions to the mountains.
i really want it to be fall.

breathe deeply

2008-08-23T01:05:00.003-04:00

i am home.
dealing with a loss... or at least a near loss is probably the most difficult thing to deal with.
as grave as the situation may be, i feel surrounded by so much love.
i want to love people more. appreciate my time with everyone that i love.
i take way too much for granted.
in the midst of all this i find it a bit difficult to breathe.
my lungs feel constricted. my stomach tight.
i just want to do what's right and be there. love.
i like loving people.
i wish it could be easy to love everyone... it certainly isn't.
sometimes it feels easy, sometimes it doesn't.

"the world spins madly on." weepies.

as of late

2008-08-16T12:30:00.002-04:00

I haven't written on this in quite some time. There has been so much chaos due to the fact that I just moved in to my house in Knoxville. I love it here. I have such a gut feeling that this year is going to be a good one. I certainly hope so.

I have worried myself lately. There are times when I randomly change moods for no reason. The other day I was angry at myself for no reason. It was actually a problem. The other night I was with friends that I love dearly and for some odd reason I wished they would all disappear. I think there are times when I feel empty or something, so I use anger to fill the void. Odd I know, but I think it makes sense. I realized that I've completely forgotten about God in the chaos that can often be my life. I need to keep focused on what's important and not lose sight of it.

On a lighter note, Bon Iver was certainly wonderful. I wish I had been closer to the stage, sure, but still it was quite an experience. He was better live than I had expected. I was completely blown away. I still got chills although I was covered in sweat. Yeah, I'm gross...

it's just unpleasant

2008-07-31T00:42:00.002-04:00

the internet is often unpleasant. so, i type in 'deep thought' in the search engine just for the heck of it, and what do i get? images of unclothed men. i mean, that's not exactly what i asked for. try typing in 'contemplation' and see what you get. i got an image of a chipmunk. dead on! when i think of contemplation, i go straight to the thought of a little rodent eating a nut. sure.

i had quite a humorous conversation with the kids i was babysitting for today. the little boy instructed me that i was only to marry a guy that wears lotion. "you want a man with soft skin. if it's rough, then you shouldn't marry him." this boy just turned 7. he is incredible. when he laughs he reminds me of a 30-year-old. i think this is because when he laughs he cries. i've never witnessed a child laugh so legitimately i guess.

i really like to observe people. as many times as people can frustrate the crap out of me, i thoroughly enjoy observing them. everyone is so different. oftentimes i really get a kick out of watching people. it's like you get to peer into 20 seconds of their life before they vanish forever. my grandmother recorded some of the people she has encountered in her nursing home. i kind of want to do the same thing. her observations had me in hysterics, though. an old man got locked out of his room in only his underwear, so he had to knock on his "lady friend's" room and borrow her robe until he got a key.

i've got nothing. nothing more. an empty head and limp fingers. and one hot computer on my lap. this is done. over.

iLike

2008-07-26T01:51:00.003-04:00

i don't feel like capitalizing letters today. it's somewhat tedious.

today i was awakened a bit earlier than usual to the arrival of a certain package. knowing what was waiting me downstairs i literally fell out of my bed trying to move faster than my brain could think. i felt like a little kid on christmas morning. i haven't been this excited in quite a while. i couldn't seem to rip through the tape and cardboard fast enough. inside this magical box awaited my new camera and all the goodies that came with it. i couldn't stop squealing. "it's so preeettty!!!" my dad just sat and laughed at me, a little anxious himself. there it was. the sleek black canon eos 40d...OH MY GOODNESS. it's amazing. i couldn't keep away from it today.

it's raining right now. i love the rain. actually, i think i love the rain only when i can be inside enjoying it or outside dancing in it. the days where you have to be out and about getting things done in the rain is never very pleasant. one of my biggest pet peeves is wet feet. i hate the feeling of cold soggy feet. it's quite unpleasant.

there are times where i wish i could be the passenger in a car with the windows down and just stay there forever. feeling the sun on my face and the wind through my hair....pure bliss. i feel so content within those moments.

i think every time i complete one of these entries i always have to end them with something random. well, here goes... the dark knight kicks ass.

la fin.

Random Thoughts of Late

2008-07-24T00:40:00.006-04:00

For starters, "New Grass" by Talk Talk is an amazing song. If you want to feel completely relaxed, I would highly recommend it.

I have been unusually content lately. I feel like I notice these changes as I'm driving alone. It usually hits me when I'm in awe of the area I'm driving through. I was passing under the Natchez Trace Bridge in the mid afternoon the other day when I realized my recent contentment. There was a hazy glow surrounding the trees beneath the bridge and it just hit me. Wow. I have nothing to be complaining about. Sure, I am fed up with the fact that I have been ill all summer and nothing has occurred as planned, but still, I am so content. When you are surrounded by such a moment of awe, how could you ever complain? I guess I can say that I'm realizing how thankful I am for what I have.

Life is so spontaneous, sporadic. Without its spontaneity it wouldn't be as interesting. This is becoming so evident in my life. I think this is something that I've been figuring out since I came to college. I used to be so quiet and still when others were jumping at any opportunity that was thrown their way. It's funny to look back at little quiet Liz in high school. I felt so unnoticed. This is mainly because I was unnoticed. I was just so shy and without any sort of opinion about anything. I just wanted to pass each day quietly. Coming to college I just kind of said, "Screw that," and have finally, I think, come more into my own. I think people think too often of how others perceive them. I mean, I'm definitely guilty, but I think we need to learn to break that barrier. Walk outside. Scream at the top of your lungs. Yes, people will look at you like you're crazy, but why should that matter? I do things like this more often I feel. I know that some people think I'm weird, but I can finally admit that that really doesn't bother me. Being weird to me is being spontaneous, which I will state again makes life more interesting... I mean, why not. Besides, running around like crazy or yelling at the top of your lungs is quite invigorating.

I was sitting on the patio behind my house today and a butterfly landed on my hand. It was actually pretty cool. I would move and it would fly away, but then it would keep coming back. It did this consistently for about 10 minutes. As weird as it may sound, it made me oddly happy. It was like I had tamed a wild butterfly. I named it Carl.

Geeze, I think being awake since the wee hours of the morning has really put weird thoughts into my head. I'll probably read this later and it won't make any sense. Oh well. These are just random thoughts I've had lately. Sigur Ros is beckoning me to the deep abyss of sleep.

i kind of want a chicken sandwich right now

2008-07-19T18:32:00.000-04:00

I sit quietly. Lifeless. Why am I always so tired? It's almost as if I have done or accomplished some strenuous task to make me this tired, but the truth is that I have not done or accomplished a single thing. This past week I went to Venice. Not Italy. Florida. Today I don't feel like using complete sentences. That's how I usually write anyway.

In Venice one day as I was laying on the hot sand I started thinking. There are so many questions that we could come up with about the world and life in it. It's almost frightening what little we know about the world we live in. Now, given that I'm not a scientist, I'm sure that many of my questions could be answered with some complex scientific explanation, but still... there's so much to be discovered. I would stand at the water's edge and let the tide sweep over my feet until my feet were completely submerged in the sand. The ocean is so vast. Seriously? Wow. You can stare as long as you want, but you can never reach the end of it.

As I stared at the ocean, I had yet another one of my childhood fantasies pop into my head. When I was little I used to always fantasize while I was at the beach about how badly I wanted to live in the sea. I would live on the ocean floor in my seashell house and not a single sea creature would harm me. I would have a pet stingray that would be my means of transportation and that would be it. Living would be simple. It's amazing what children can imagine. I mean, some situation such as this seems so improbable now, but when I was little it was completely believable. I kind of wish that that feeling would never go away. We grow older and have to act grown up and responsible all the time. Not that I do very often, but then again I look at my life and think, well, actually I do. It kind of saddens me.

Growing older is so frightening. I often hate it. On the ride home I became very afraid of getting older. I realized, wow, you're now "in your twenties." I never thought that phrase would apply to me. Now it does! I think of how different I'll be in just five years. How relationships will change. I'll be out of college. My friends will be getting married. I might be getting married. I'll have to find a profession. I'll have to figure out my life. Be an adult. Live completely on my own. All of these things scare me shitless. It may be pathetic, but it's the truth. I just have to take a deep breath and once again go back to understanding that I'm not in control of it all. Our lives are constantly changing and progressing. I guess I'll just have to accept that and move on. That's really all I can do anyway.

Sidenote: It's really funny to talk like Sid the Sloth at inappropriate times. Oh, did I mention that I was mature? Guess not.

This is kind of weird

2008-07-14T00:02:00.000-04:00

So, I guess listening to beautiful piano compositions has made me want to blog? Yeah. It's very odd. I'm sitting in my bed with my computer in my lap and I suddenly have this urge to type. This is very odd, especially since I'm a horrid typer.

I think I've realized that I quickly change emotions as I listen to certain types of music. It's almost as if I reach a point of vulnerability that I could have never reached before. It's like I suddenly feel so small. This is not stated as a depressing fact or anything, it's just that my mind gets wrapped within the song and I can't be released from it. There's this undying beauty about it and suddenly I'm in another world. For this reason alone I wish so badly that I had musical talent. I feel that I would just enclose myself in a room and never leave. It's the piano that does this to me.

I was driving last night through the mountain route to Athens. Once I hit North Carolina the sun was setting over the mountains. Moments such as this make me want to fly so badly. The scene was just... breathtaking. I wish I could just soar through the clouds and see the scene from way above. I think I mention my desire to fly often. It's these moments that I think about it the most. I couldn't get over the view. It's almost as if the breathtaking moments we experience in life are meant to clear our heads. I felt so light. After a moment, I started to think of the future and how I want to live in the mountains somewhere when I'm old and gray. I want it to be some remote place where I can be encompassed with nature and all its beauty. This thought made me smile as I drove alone on the highway. Funny, though. I constantly plan the future in my head, but once I get to thinking about it, what I want in life is likely to never happen. I feel like we can map out our lives, but that's just not the way that they were intended. I've definitely been experiencing that this summer. I had it all planned out and yet, none of it has occurred as I originally intended. It's not my plan. I have no control. I have to keep telling myself this. If I had control over my own life I'd be constantly wandering aimlessly in the dark. It's amazing. I just need to keep telling myself to let go. My life is not my own. Once you let go, everything falls into place.

Wow, stream on consciousness. I'm done. La fin.