Sitting on the couch in the morning reading other people's blog postings, I have come to realize that I am not alone.
Reading about being down on oneself or trying to find the Spirit of God and having one's head filled with negative and anxiety has made me realize that my problems are no greater than anyone else's.
And... oddly enough, it's extremely comforting.
I think that being human leads us all to believe that our battles are our own and that "no one understands" or "I'm all alone" and "it's no big deal, I can handle it."
FALSE.
I am over accepting all of this negativity and settling for mediocrity!
We are called to live a radical life and although I'm still learning what exactly that means, we need to stop living in our sin and problems and focus on better more brighter things.
Ever since I first got sick almost three years ago (wow, how times flies...), I have really battled with negativity and depression. The first year that I was sick there was rarely a day when I wouldn't cry or I would have something positive to think about. I was literally living in my own filth and each day I was slowly crawling out of my skin. Since then I have recovered for the most part, yes, but I still am dealing with the aftermath and it's definitely a challenge. My dad always tells me that he thinks no one could handle this situation better than I do, but what he doesn't realize is that secretly I still struggle. I often wonder why me because I'm so pitiful and negative about it. Whenever I'm not feeling well it's literally, as I describe, like someone is putting pressure on the "happy thought" portion of my brain, so it's virtually unable to think pleasant thoughts.
You suck, Liz.
Your life....HA! it's lame.
You're boring.
Where are your friends? Do you have...any?
Forget being attractive, you're weak.
What's your purpose?
All plaguing thoughts that come into my head from time to time.
But! I've learned that when this happens it's a test. A product of my illness or whatever you want to call it.
I AM strong. Why?
Because I have God... even though I often forget.
This summer an odd occurrence happened. I like to call it my breakthrough.
I never truly understood or fully believed that someone could actually be attacked by the devil, but after one Sunday it became very real to me. I went to church, Corbin came over and I was in a bad mood for some reason (probably from evil thoughts!), so he left. I was in the house by myself literally whispering negative thoughts under my breath while I made some guacamole. Once I was done making it, I reached out to grab the bowl and I accidentally knocked it off the counter and watched it shatter into a million pieces onto the floor. Instantly I started screaming. It was seriously the craziest thing. A bowl fell onto the floor and broke and I completely lost control. My mind opened up to evil and I couldn't fight it. I was literally screaming and crying so much at this point I almost threw up. I felt hot, under attack and started grabbing at my head. What the heck is going on?! I thought. It was like something was on me I couldn't shake off. I ran into my dad's office and literally hid under his desk screaming for the demon to go away. Shaking, I ran outside and hid in my car. THEN is where God came in and defeated all. I realized after that day that evil is real and we ARE in battle.
This illness that has plagued the human race has got to go! 2011 is a year for winning. A year to be strong and not let the enemy take hold of us. So, after letting the digital world know all of these secrets that I probably shouldn't tell, I just want to say that even though we all suffer and feel some days that we have the world on our shoulders, just know that the ruler of the universe has chosen each and every one of us for something bigger that we could never even imagine. And THAT is something to smile about.
