pure excitement.

so, friday i finally met a local nashville photographer that i have been in touch with on and off this semester.
i was really nervous about meeting him because this could or could not have been a potential step toward my future career.
his studio is located in the heart of nashville on cannery row right next to mercy lounge, so pulling in i immediately began to freak out.
i walked up to his studio, was escorted in and sat down staring at what i have envisioned as a dream studio my entire life.
i literally thought i was going to swallow my heart it was pounding so fast.
i sat down, had an hour-long chat with tracy and after a while he paused and looked at me.
he asked, "are you prepared for an exciting yet exhausting job?"
trying not to sound scared out of my mind, i replied, "yeah, definitely."
his response was this: "alright, be here sunday at 10:30. you're going to be my assistant all day for a really big shoot. bring your camera."
i think my eyes almost popped out of my head!
i had no idea that he was going to throw me in there so quickly.
anyway, sunday rolled around and it was one of the most amazing yet exhausting days of my life.
i was on my feet from 10:30 until 8 (and that was letting me go early), didn't go to the bathroom and didn't have much of a break to ever eat, but learned more than i have ever learned in a photo class.
once the day was over, he gave me a hug, said i did great, and asked me if i could come back next weekend to do a shoot saturday and monday.
so, now, i am the paid intern!!
i had no expectation of pay, i didn't even think he would be interested in me being there.
this definitely has proven to me that persistence will definitely reward you in the end.
today i feel...pure excitement.

Hope

first off, i want to say thanks to ben for really highlighting what i've been feeling with christmas coming. growing older has definitely made this a difficult holiday for me to experience.

i was talking to my mom sunday about how i've been feeling lately with everything going on in my life and i've come to this conclusion: it's not going to be easy and it isn't always going to be fun.
may sound depressing, but what i have suddenly realized is that i have trouble enduring change. there is so much occurring around me right now and occasionally it leaves me in an emotional breakdown. people begin to ask questions. the same questions. over...and over. what are you doing after you graduate? where will you be living? do you think you'll be getting engaged soon? what are your feeling about marriage? the questions don't stop. i think this is why i can barely make it through a day without taking a nap. i am exhausted. my brain never shuts down.

thanksgiving break was what i really needed i think. it was a nice preview as to how christmas break will be. yes, i have greatly struggled with finding contentment here in knoxville this semester, but i think what i need is physical separation. a mental holiday, if you will. i want to feel God in my life again. i haven't felt him in a long time and i think that has played a great role in my life recently. i don't feel spiritually connected here. i'm not growing. this is definitely my own fault, but i'm realizing that i might need a little help. a push.

once again...change is not easy. i am in a constant struggle to find peace within my house. friendships are broken. i feel that i am holding grudges and becoming frustrated over petty things. i no longer know how to confront. i feel so awkward. why? isn't this supposed to be the moment where i am growing in maturity? i feel that i have become very independent, but why do i feel so awkward in the world? i think i'm just unable to face the fact that next year is a year of mystery for me and that i have absolutely no control over it. as afraid as i am in all of this, i am also unbelievably excited. i am walking into the world of the unknown. i am not sure who knows, and honestly i do not care to share with the world wide web, but i am planning on following corbin next year. this decision does not scare me in the slightest; i am honestly very excited about it. he is kind of the main thing that i'm sure about these days. friendships are up and down, even my relationship with him, but overall i have finally come to the realization that any relationship i have in life will be like that. i am human and i am inconsistent. i am currently trying to be more real with people. none of this fake crap anymore. not to sound harsh or anything, but this is the main reason why i do not take part in ruf events anymore. i love what they are doing, but it began to feel too much like a social event. a social bubble with no diversity. i loooong for diversity. crave it. this is why i love bethel (my church at home) so much. real people, real diversity...on fire for God..and they love me. they love me and they don't even know me. i recommend going if you haven't before. for me at least, i usually leave the church feeling so cleansed.

i need that in my life right now.
i am headed toward my last semester of college.
21 hours.
no job.
less connection with friends.
...but with hope that only the best will come out of all of this.