first off, i want to say thanks to ben for really highlighting what i've been feeling with christmas coming. growing older has definitely made this a difficult holiday for me to experience.
i was talking to my mom sunday about how i've been feeling lately with everything going on in my life and i've come to this conclusion: it's not going to be easy and it isn't always going to be fun.
may sound depressing, but what i have suddenly realized is that i have trouble enduring change. there is so much occurring around me right now and occasionally it leaves me in an emotional breakdown. people begin to ask questions. the same questions. over...and over. what are you doing after you graduate? where will you be living? do you think you'll be getting engaged soon? what are your feeling about marriage? the questions don't stop. i think this is why i can barely make it through a day without taking a nap. i am exhausted. my brain never shuts down.
thanksgiving break was what i really needed i think. it was a nice preview as to how christmas break will be. yes, i have greatly struggled with finding contentment here in knoxville this semester, but i think what i need is physical separation. a mental holiday, if you will. i want to feel God in my life again. i haven't felt him in a long time and i think that has played a great role in my life recently. i don't feel spiritually connected here. i'm not growing. this is definitely my own fault, but i'm realizing that i might need a little help. a push.
once again...change is not easy. i am in a constant struggle to find peace within my house. friendships are broken. i feel that i am holding grudges and becoming frustrated over petty things. i no longer know how to confront. i feel so awkward. why? isn't this supposed to be the moment where i am growing in maturity? i feel that i have become very independent, but why do i feel so awkward in the world? i think i'm just unable to face the fact that next year is a year of mystery for me and that i have absolutely no control over it. as afraid as i am in all of this, i am also unbelievably excited. i am walking into the world of the unknown. i am not sure who knows, and honestly i do not care to share with the world wide web, but i am planning on following corbin next year. this decision does not scare me in the slightest; i am honestly very excited about it. he is kind of the main thing that i'm sure about these days. friendships are up and down, even my relationship with him, but overall i have finally come to the realization that any relationship i have in life will be like that. i am human and i am inconsistent. i am currently trying to be more real with people. none of this fake crap anymore. not to sound harsh or anything, but this is the main reason why i do not take part in ruf events anymore. i love what they are doing, but it began to feel too much like a social event. a social bubble with no diversity. i loooong for diversity. crave it. this is why i love bethel (my church at home) so much. real people, real diversity...on fire for God..and they love me. they love me and they don't even know me. i recommend going if you haven't before. for me at least, i usually leave the church feeling so cleansed.
i need that in my life right now.
i am headed toward my last semester of college.
21 hours.
no job.
less connection with friends.
...but with hope that only the best will come out of all of this.
Wow Liz. Phew.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling a lot from what I just read of yours. You speak of "disconnect" and "fake crap" and "exhaustion" and "hope" and I can relate to it all. I am hopeless and hopeful all at once. And I think you are too...at least you sound like you're dwelling in some sort of misery at times, but you see a light.
I just feel like you are always seeing yourself. You see what you're going through better than most anyone I know. I hardly know who I am right now (for the past couple years, really) and have been stressing over an identity crisis as of late.
God is telling me that you are worried about yourself. He is telling me that you might not quite see yourself in this, because "this" is mundane and you don't want to be a part of boredom. But you see that things are boring and that means that you are seeing that this is not the way things are supposed to be. You are seeing God's fun for you and it gives you a lot of hope. God is telling me that you are not old at all, because you have the heart of Peter Pan. You and Brittni can squeal and laugh louder than most any girl and that differentiates you from the rest of the world.
Anyways. I just wrote a new poem on my blog. You should check it.
thanks for posting, liz. like will, i can relate one billion percent to what you're saying. college got really weird there at the end - nothing seemed particularly satisfying. some friends moved away and that sucked. some friends stayed around and changed into mature adults and got married, and that sometimes sucked cause maturity isn't always cool. and some friends didn't even try to grow up and they're still stuck in college, 7 years later.
ReplyDeleteand not to even mention my own personal crisis i would go through when people asked me all those same questions they are asking you (they are still asking me a lot of those questions, and a lot of new ones, so you have to just learn to deal i guess). i would stress out about things simply because i knew that someone would ask me a question about it and i didn't know the answer.
all i can say is that God is the only constant. he will provide. he will nurture. he will purify. he will renew. etc. etc. etc.
i know you know this, but its worth saying - focus yourself on him and the rest will follow. i know its a lot more complicated than that because you still have to actually do stuff and sometimes getting out of bed in the morning is the hardest thing you'll ever do, but if you can remember to start your day off with a little praise to your maker, and try to keep doing that throughout the day, those little worries will start to melt away.
i hope this helps a little. i know i needed to "hear" it, thanks for letting me graffiti your comments section.