if only things were easier

i mean... yeah. i have noticed lately that things that i always thought would be easy, just aren't. i've placed high standards on way too many things in my life. we aren't always going to be content where we are. life isn't full of sunshine and daisies all of the time.

i have placed myself in the oddest emotional position.
am i upset? no.
angry? no.
happy? no.
confused? i guess...
i feel like i'm supposed to be able to label what i'm feeling right now, but i can't quite place my finger on it. something isn't right and i don't know how to fix it... but that's just it. i don't have to fix anything. i feel like i'm always needing to fix something.

i start saying all of these things and i think now i'm just going to stop. i feel like i start to ramble on about things that i do wrong or things that i could do better, when in reality i just need to quit. quit talking. quit trying to control everything. i just need to let things happen naturally.

i need to sleep is what i think i need to do.

i've got a lot to work on. i want to become confident in christ and be pleased with how things are. i take way too much for granted. this was a jumbled post... much like my brain is right now, but i feel much much better. la fin.

it's cold in here, but i wish it was hot

actually it's quite warm in here... i just really like ryan adams.

everything has been wonderful as of late. relationships.
life in general.
i'm still sick, though, and that has been an issue lately.
i feel so productive. so content. yet uncomfortable most of the time. in pain.
it's frustrating, but i'm trying to be optimistic.

i've noticed lately that i'm not as confident of a person as i once felt i was.
this is not by any means stated selfishly.
i feel ok with myself, yet i get nervous over such simple things.
speech scares me senseless.
the future terrifies me.
relationships make me want to hide in a dark corner.
i avoid confrontation. i run away from stress and sadness. i try and run away from closeness.
the idea of being close scares me, but i'm learning to accept and in a sense desire it.

i want it to be fall so bad. i want to wake up to a slight chill in the air. firey leaves on trees.
fog.
blue sky patched with white wispy clouds.
listening to sun kil moon with the windows down.
excursions to the mountains.
i really want it to be fall.