it's cold in here, but i wish it was hot

actually it's quite warm in here... i just really like ryan adams.

everything has been wonderful as of late. relationships.
life in general.
i'm still sick, though, and that has been an issue lately.
i feel so productive. so content. yet uncomfortable most of the time. in pain.
it's frustrating, but i'm trying to be optimistic.

i've noticed lately that i'm not as confident of a person as i once felt i was.
this is not by any means stated selfishly.
i feel ok with myself, yet i get nervous over such simple things.
speech scares me senseless.
the future terrifies me.
relationships make me want to hide in a dark corner.
i avoid confrontation. i run away from stress and sadness. i try and run away from closeness.
the idea of being close scares me, but i'm learning to accept and in a sense desire it.

i want it to be fall so bad. i want to wake up to a slight chill in the air. firey leaves on trees.
fog.
blue sky patched with white wispy clouds.
listening to sun kil moon with the windows down.
excursions to the mountains.
i really want it to be fall.