as i lay in bed

having been awake off and on since 5 am, i feel that i have had an ample amount of time to contemplate things.
the past year has been quite an odd one for me.
i feel that i can safely say that i am not a very emotional person and over the course of the past year, i feel that i have felt every emotion possible.
having been consistently ill, i often have questioned God's presence in my life.
this has been a big question lately.
i feel like most days i go to sleep contemplating if things would be better if i just never woke up in the morning.
i wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore.
my body would be healed.
i don't think i've ever been so physically and emotionally exhausted.
moving and thinking is quite a task for me to complete.
i just wish i could sail way to some distant place sometimes...
but then... i wouldn't get to experience the joy of roommates running into my room to tell me that it's snowing.
or laugh at things until my sides ache.
or listen to music that makes my insides hurt.
or dance like an idiot.
or feel love.
it's almost as if it takes writing what i'm feeling for me to realize that there are good things in my life.
i seem to always forget.
i may be confused by the fact that being ill at the moment has cost two-hundred dollars and that i still have a long way to go, but as i was telling alice the other day, i guess it's better that it's me than someone else who couldn't handle it.
i'm constantly learning through all of this and i think it is making me stronger.
i've had to learn how to be very patient.
now i can just sit in bed, eat rosemary potatoes, drink tea, and wait until i get to go home and let my mom take care of me.
i guess it's not so bad.