cranberry apple zinger and ginger

my mug is a third empty.
my insides are warm.
the library is dim.
synthetic voices.
woods.
liars.
and i can't stop.
thinking about it.
i'm thinking about it.

giving thanks

Yes, I am writing on Thanksgiving.
But... I am just so thankful right now.
Seriously.
I am surrounded by so many incredible people on a daily basis.
I am content with my life.
Everything's just...incredible.

I just wrote a poem for my english class.
It's entitled "Beauty is Fleeting."
After writing it, it kind of made me mad.
The media SUCKS.
Being beautiful is no longer being natural or happy, but instead it's all about artificial contentment.
Everyone is a fake.
Well, not everyone, but the people that become absorbed in the world certainly are.
I don't want to be like that.
For a time that was me...I never want to be like that again.
I want to be alive and joyful.
THANKFUL for what I have at all times.
Life is good.

sitting by the fire

warmth.
crackling fire.
silence.

i feel at ease.
i've been around more.
at home.
spending time with roommates.
i forget how precious time with them is.
it really is so important.
i love my house.

oh maaaannn, i'm going to be Syndrome from the Incredibles for halloween.
it's no link, but it's still ridiculous.
i have nothing more to say.

what it is

So I suddenly have this urge to write. I don't write on this thing much, but sitting here in the darkness of my living room, I just really want an excuse to type something. Anything.

I have been learning almost more than my brain can handle lately.
Life is... odd.
Is that the word I'm looking for?
No.
Life is... peculiar.
It kind of baffles me.
It's amazing how one moment you feel such a strong emotion about or towards something and then the next you feel completely different.
I feel.... full.
I am surrounded by more love than I realized.
I take so much for granted.
Money, school, careers, relationships, self-image, family, friends, the future... I get so wrapped up in all of that.
It's sickening.
Lately, though, I've felt different.
I wake up smiling.
I feel confident.
Why?
Because the one who created the world loves me more than I can comprehend.
I feel like once this is realized the puzzle pieces that make up our lives suddenly fall into place.
Life makes a little more sense. It's less complicated. It feels more natural.

i can tilt my head back. close my eyes. feel the chill of the autumn breeze on my neck. it sends a shiver down my spine. i open my eyes. the crystal blue sky surrounds me. goodness. how i love to hear the sound of dead leaves crunch beneath my feet. it's a relaxing sound. the smell of the leaves. the sun sets earlier and earlier every day. need i say more? fall is the best season there is. i can only pray that the weather will continue to be this lovely.

i think harry potter is coming soon to defeat the voldemort that resides in my belly. good lord, i hope so.

completely random non-cohesive post complete.

voldemort

damn you parasite.

if only things were easier

i mean... yeah. i have noticed lately that things that i always thought would be easy, just aren't. i've placed high standards on way too many things in my life. we aren't always going to be content where we are. life isn't full of sunshine and daisies all of the time.

i have placed myself in the oddest emotional position.
am i upset? no.
angry? no.
happy? no.
confused? i guess...
i feel like i'm supposed to be able to label what i'm feeling right now, but i can't quite place my finger on it. something isn't right and i don't know how to fix it... but that's just it. i don't have to fix anything. i feel like i'm always needing to fix something.

i start saying all of these things and i think now i'm just going to stop. i feel like i start to ramble on about things that i do wrong or things that i could do better, when in reality i just need to quit. quit talking. quit trying to control everything. i just need to let things happen naturally.

i need to sleep is what i think i need to do.

i've got a lot to work on. i want to become confident in christ and be pleased with how things are. i take way too much for granted. this was a jumbled post... much like my brain is right now, but i feel much much better. la fin.

it's cold in here, but i wish it was hot

actually it's quite warm in here... i just really like ryan adams.

everything has been wonderful as of late. relationships.
life in general.
i'm still sick, though, and that has been an issue lately.
i feel so productive. so content. yet uncomfortable most of the time. in pain.
it's frustrating, but i'm trying to be optimistic.

i've noticed lately that i'm not as confident of a person as i once felt i was.
this is not by any means stated selfishly.
i feel ok with myself, yet i get nervous over such simple things.
speech scares me senseless.
the future terrifies me.
relationships make me want to hide in a dark corner.
i avoid confrontation. i run away from stress and sadness. i try and run away from closeness.
the idea of being close scares me, but i'm learning to accept and in a sense desire it.

i want it to be fall so bad. i want to wake up to a slight chill in the air. firey leaves on trees.
fog.
blue sky patched with white wispy clouds.
listening to sun kil moon with the windows down.
excursions to the mountains.
i really want it to be fall.

breathe deeply

i am home.
dealing with a loss... or at least a near loss is probably the most difficult thing to deal with.
as grave as the situation may be, i feel surrounded by so much love.
i want to love people more. appreciate my time with everyone that i love.
i take way too much for granted.
in the midst of all this i find it a bit difficult to breathe.
my lungs feel constricted. my stomach tight.
i just want to do what's right and be there. love.
i like loving people.
i wish it could be easy to love everyone... it certainly isn't.
sometimes it feels easy, sometimes it doesn't.

"the world spins madly on." weepies.

as of late

I haven't written on this in quite some time. There has been so much chaos due to the fact that I just moved in to my house in Knoxville. I love it here. I have such a gut feeling that this year is going to be a good one. I certainly hope so.

I have worried myself lately. There are times when I randomly change moods for no reason. The other day I was angry at myself for no reason. It was actually a problem. The other night I was with friends that I love dearly and for some odd reason I wished they would all disappear. I think there are times when I feel empty or something, so I use anger to fill the void. Odd I know, but I think it makes sense. I realized that I've completely forgotten about God in the chaos that can often be my life. I need to keep focused on what's important and not lose sight of it.

On a lighter note, Bon Iver was certainly wonderful. I wish I had been closer to the stage, sure, but still it was quite an experience. He was better live than I had expected. I was completely blown away. I still got chills although I was covered in sweat. Yeah, I'm gross...

it's just unpleasant

the internet is often unpleasant. so, i type in 'deep thought' in the search engine just for the heck of it, and what do i get? images of unclothed men. i mean, that's not exactly what i asked for. try typing in 'contemplation' and see what you get. i got an image of a chipmunk. dead on! when i think of contemplation, i go straight to the thought of a little rodent eating a nut. sure.

i had quite a humorous conversation with the kids i was babysitting for today. the little boy instructed me that i was only to marry a guy that wears lotion. "you want a man with soft skin. if it's rough, then you shouldn't marry him." this boy just turned 7. he is incredible. when he laughs he reminds me of a 30-year-old. i think this is because when he laughs he cries. i've never witnessed a child laugh so legitimately i guess.

i really like to observe people. as many times as people can frustrate the crap out of me, i thoroughly enjoy observing them. everyone is so different. oftentimes i really get a kick out of watching people. it's like you get to peer into 20 seconds of their life before they vanish forever. my grandmother recorded some of the people she has encountered in her nursing home. i kind of want to do the same thing. her observations had me in hysterics, though. an old man got locked out of his room in only his underwear, so he had to knock on his "lady friend's" room and borrow her robe until he got a key.

i've got nothing. nothing more. an empty head and limp fingers. and one hot computer on my lap. this is done. over.

iLike

i don't feel like capitalizing letters today. it's somewhat tedious.

today i was awakened a bit earlier than usual to the arrival of a certain package. knowing what was waiting me downstairs i literally fell out of my bed trying to move faster than my brain could think. i felt like a little kid on christmas morning. i haven't been this excited in quite a while. i couldn't seem to rip through the tape and cardboard fast enough. inside this magical box awaited my new camera and all the goodies that came with it. i couldn't stop squealing. "it's so preeettty!!!" my dad just sat and laughed at me, a little anxious himself. there it was. the sleek black canon eos 40d...OH MY GOODNESS. it's amazing. i couldn't keep away from it today.

it's raining right now. i love the rain. actually, i think i love the rain only when i can be inside enjoying it or outside dancing in it. the days where you have to be out and about getting things done in the rain is never very pleasant. one of my biggest pet peeves is wet feet. i hate the feeling of cold soggy feet. it's quite unpleasant.

there are times where i wish i could be the passenger in a car with the windows down and just stay there forever. feeling the sun on my face and the wind through my hair....pure bliss. i feel so content within those moments.

i think every time i complete one of these entries i always have to end them with something random. well, here goes... the dark knight kicks ass.

la fin.

Random Thoughts of Late

For starters, "New Grass" by Talk Talk is an amazing song. If you want to feel completely relaxed, I would highly recommend it.

I have been unusually content lately. I feel like I notice these changes as I'm driving alone. It usually hits me when I'm in awe of the area I'm driving through. I was passing under the Natchez Trace Bridge in the mid afternoon the other day when I realized my recent contentment. There was a hazy glow surrounding the trees beneath the bridge and it just hit me. Wow. I have nothing to be complaining about. Sure, I am fed up with the fact that I have been ill all summer and nothing has occurred as planned, but still, I am so content. When you are surrounded by such a moment of awe, how could you ever complain? I guess I can say that I'm realizing how thankful I am for what I have.

Life is so spontaneous, sporadic. Without its spontaneity it wouldn't be as interesting. This is becoming so evident in my life. I think this is something that I've been figuring out since I came to college. I used to be so quiet and still when others were jumping at any opportunity that was thrown their way. It's funny to look back at little quiet Liz in high school. I felt so unnoticed. This is mainly because I was unnoticed. I was just so shy and without any sort of opinion about anything. I just wanted to pass each day quietly. Coming to college I just kind of said, "Screw that," and have finally, I think, come more into my own. I think people think too often of how others perceive them. I mean, I'm definitely guilty, but I think we need to learn to break that barrier. Walk outside. Scream at the top of your lungs. Yes, people will look at you like you're crazy, but why should that matter? I do things like this more often I feel. I know that some people think I'm weird, but I can finally admit that that really doesn't bother me. Being weird to me is being spontaneous, which I will state again makes life more interesting... I mean, why not. Besides, running around like crazy or yelling at the top of your lungs is quite invigorating.

I was sitting on the patio behind my house today and a butterfly landed on my hand. It was actually pretty cool. I would move and it would fly away, but then it would keep coming back. It did this consistently for about 10 minutes. As weird as it may sound, it made me oddly happy. It was like I had tamed a wild butterfly. I named it Carl.

Geeze, I think being awake since the wee hours of the morning has really put weird thoughts into my head. I'll probably read this later and it won't make any sense. Oh well. These are just random thoughts I've had lately. Sigur Ros is beckoning me to the deep abyss of sleep.

i kind of want a chicken sandwich right now

I sit quietly. Lifeless. Why am I always so tired? It's almost as if I have done or accomplished some strenuous task to make me this tired, but the truth is that I have not done or accomplished a single thing. This past week I went to Venice. Not Italy. Florida. Today I don't feel like using complete sentences. That's how I usually write anyway.

In Venice one day as I was laying on the hot sand I started thinking. There are so many questions that we could come up with about the world and life in it. It's almost frightening what little we know about the world we live in. Now, given that I'm not a scientist, I'm sure that many of my questions could be answered with some complex scientific explanation, but still... there's so much to be discovered. I would stand at the water's edge and let the tide sweep over my feet until my feet were completely submerged in the sand. The ocean is so vast. Seriously? Wow. You can stare as long as you want, but you can never reach the end of it.

As I stared at the ocean, I had yet another one of my childhood fantasies pop into my head. When I was little I used to always fantasize while I was at the beach about how badly I wanted to live in the sea. I would live on the ocean floor in my seashell house and not a single sea creature would harm me. I would have a pet stingray that would be my means of transportation and that would be it. Living would be simple. It's amazing what children can imagine. I mean, some situation such as this seems so improbable now, but when I was little it was completely believable. I kind of wish that that feeling would never go away. We grow older and have to act grown up and responsible all the time. Not that I do very often, but then again I look at my life and think, well, actually I do. It kind of saddens me.

Growing older is so frightening. I often hate it. On the ride home I became very afraid of getting older. I realized, wow, you're now "in your twenties." I never thought that phrase would apply to me. Now it does! I think of how different I'll be in just five years. How relationships will change. I'll be out of college. My friends will be getting married. I might be getting married. I'll have to find a profession. I'll have to figure out my life. Be an adult. Live completely on my own. All of these things scare me shitless. It may be pathetic, but it's the truth. I just have to take a deep breath and once again go back to understanding that I'm not in control of it all. Our lives are constantly changing and progressing. I guess I'll just have to accept that and move on. That's really all I can do anyway.

Sidenote: It's really funny to talk like Sid the Sloth at inappropriate times. Oh, did I mention that I was mature? Guess not.

This is kind of weird

So, I guess listening to beautiful piano compositions has made me want to blog? Yeah. It's very odd. I'm sitting in my bed with my computer in my lap and I suddenly have this urge to type. This is very odd, especially since I'm a horrid typer.

I think I've realized that I quickly change emotions as I listen to certain types of music. It's almost as if I reach a point of vulnerability that I could have never reached before. It's like I suddenly feel so small. This is not stated as a depressing fact or anything, it's just that my mind gets wrapped within the song and I can't be released from it. There's this undying beauty about it and suddenly I'm in another world. For this reason alone I wish so badly that I had musical talent. I feel that I would just enclose myself in a room and never leave. It's the piano that does this to me.

I was driving last night through the mountain route to Athens. Once I hit North Carolina the sun was setting over the mountains. Moments such as this make me want to fly so badly. The scene was just... breathtaking. I wish I could just soar through the clouds and see the scene from way above. I think I mention my desire to fly often. It's these moments that I think about it the most. I couldn't get over the view. It's almost as if the breathtaking moments we experience in life are meant to clear our heads. I felt so light. After a moment, I started to think of the future and how I want to live in the mountains somewhere when I'm old and gray. I want it to be some remote place where I can be encompassed with nature and all its beauty. This thought made me smile as I drove alone on the highway. Funny, though. I constantly plan the future in my head, but once I get to thinking about it, what I want in life is likely to never happen. I feel like we can map out our lives, but that's just not the way that they were intended. I've definitely been experiencing that this summer. I had it all planned out and yet, none of it has occurred as I originally intended. It's not my plan. I have no control. I have to keep telling myself this. If I had control over my own life I'd be constantly wandering aimlessly in the dark. It's amazing. I just need to keep telling myself to let go. My life is not my own. Once you let go, everything falls into place.

Wow, stream on consciousness. I'm done. La fin.