pure excitement.

so, friday i finally met a local nashville photographer that i have been in touch with on and off this semester.
i was really nervous about meeting him because this could or could not have been a potential step toward my future career.
his studio is located in the heart of nashville on cannery row right next to mercy lounge, so pulling in i immediately began to freak out.
i walked up to his studio, was escorted in and sat down staring at what i have envisioned as a dream studio my entire life.
i literally thought i was going to swallow my heart it was pounding so fast.
i sat down, had an hour-long chat with tracy and after a while he paused and looked at me.
he asked, "are you prepared for an exciting yet exhausting job?"
trying not to sound scared out of my mind, i replied, "yeah, definitely."
his response was this: "alright, be here sunday at 10:30. you're going to be my assistant all day for a really big shoot. bring your camera."
i think my eyes almost popped out of my head!
i had no idea that he was going to throw me in there so quickly.
anyway, sunday rolled around and it was one of the most amazing yet exhausting days of my life.
i was on my feet from 10:30 until 8 (and that was letting me go early), didn't go to the bathroom and didn't have much of a break to ever eat, but learned more than i have ever learned in a photo class.
once the day was over, he gave me a hug, said i did great, and asked me if i could come back next weekend to do a shoot saturday and monday.
so, now, i am the paid intern!!
i had no expectation of pay, i didn't even think he would be interested in me being there.
this definitely has proven to me that persistence will definitely reward you in the end.
today i feel...pure excitement.

Hope

first off, i want to say thanks to ben for really highlighting what i've been feeling with christmas coming. growing older has definitely made this a difficult holiday for me to experience.

i was talking to my mom sunday about how i've been feeling lately with everything going on in my life and i've come to this conclusion: it's not going to be easy and it isn't always going to be fun.
may sound depressing, but what i have suddenly realized is that i have trouble enduring change. there is so much occurring around me right now and occasionally it leaves me in an emotional breakdown. people begin to ask questions. the same questions. over...and over. what are you doing after you graduate? where will you be living? do you think you'll be getting engaged soon? what are your feeling about marriage? the questions don't stop. i think this is why i can barely make it through a day without taking a nap. i am exhausted. my brain never shuts down.

thanksgiving break was what i really needed i think. it was a nice preview as to how christmas break will be. yes, i have greatly struggled with finding contentment here in knoxville this semester, but i think what i need is physical separation. a mental holiday, if you will. i want to feel God in my life again. i haven't felt him in a long time and i think that has played a great role in my life recently. i don't feel spiritually connected here. i'm not growing. this is definitely my own fault, but i'm realizing that i might need a little help. a push.

once again...change is not easy. i am in a constant struggle to find peace within my house. friendships are broken. i feel that i am holding grudges and becoming frustrated over petty things. i no longer know how to confront. i feel so awkward. why? isn't this supposed to be the moment where i am growing in maturity? i feel that i have become very independent, but why do i feel so awkward in the world? i think i'm just unable to face the fact that next year is a year of mystery for me and that i have absolutely no control over it. as afraid as i am in all of this, i am also unbelievably excited. i am walking into the world of the unknown. i am not sure who knows, and honestly i do not care to share with the world wide web, but i am planning on following corbin next year. this decision does not scare me in the slightest; i am honestly very excited about it. he is kind of the main thing that i'm sure about these days. friendships are up and down, even my relationship with him, but overall i have finally come to the realization that any relationship i have in life will be like that. i am human and i am inconsistent. i am currently trying to be more real with people. none of this fake crap anymore. not to sound harsh or anything, but this is the main reason why i do not take part in ruf events anymore. i love what they are doing, but it began to feel too much like a social event. a social bubble with no diversity. i loooong for diversity. crave it. this is why i love bethel (my church at home) so much. real people, real diversity...on fire for God..and they love me. they love me and they don't even know me. i recommend going if you haven't before. for me at least, i usually leave the church feeling so cleansed.

i need that in my life right now.
i am headed toward my last semester of college.
21 hours.
no job.
less connection with friends.
...but with hope that only the best will come out of all of this.

more.

Today, I decided I'd take a nap in my car because I got to work very early. As I was waking up from my nap, I saw a cop looking right at me. Turns out, a lady who'd parked her car right next to mine after I was asleep had called the cops on me because she thought I was dead. FML

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year old dog that has been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got it home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

website.

Check it out!!!

http://lizkirkphoto.showitsite.com/#/landing/

i am a bird

on friday i flew.
flew like a bird.
2000 feet in the air.

(corbin took me hangglinding for my burfday)

eventually i will have the pictures scanned and on my computer.

i'm going to U2 on tuesday with corbin, jeff, julie, and gary!!!
ahhhh!!!
tres tres bizarre.

september

so, it's already september and i'm kind of beginning to think, "wow...the end is really drawing near." it's a bizarre feeling. bittersweet.

at the beginning of this semester i was severely unhappy. i had had a pretty crummy summer, had just returned from the most amazing vacation, and got to be in knoxville...again.

i'll just be completely honest and say that my time of love for knoxville has definitely ended. this is not supposed to sound cynical or really bad in any sense, i just think that my time here is about over and i'm ready to move on to somewhere else.

everything here seems stale.

my life has become very organized and i think i'm kind of disliking that. i mean, each day is literally constructed by a list on a post-it note on my desk. i find pleasure in crossing things off. each day is a strict schedule of class, homework, and work. that really is mostly what my time consists of.

i will say, though, there are several people that i've been making time for and they seriously have made all the difference.

corbin. brittni. lydia. mary.

need i say more?
i love these people. absolutely love them.

i've learned that making time to see people...making an effort...is worth everything.

aside from all of this, i have decided at a really awkard time that what i really want to do with my life is not at all what i'm actually doing.

i've decided to graduate in may, then go back to school somewhere far away and get a degree in nutrition. i feel like this has really become my passion. now, i'm not saying that i want to cross out photography...that would be a big lie. i just want to put that on the backburner for now. learm more as i go...maybe have a little business on the side. i mean, i got asked to photograph a girl's wedding that i know in may, so that could be a start although i'm very nervous about it.

it's all just a lot to process...
but in the meantime, i cannot wait for autumn.

just how bored i am...

some FML gems...

Today, I was in charge of throwing a party for my mom. I told my little brother he was suppose to blow up the balloons which were in my dresser. Apparently, he accidentally found all my condoms, unknowingly, and decorated the house in prophylactics instead of balloons. Happy Birthday, Mom. FML

Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML

Today, through AIM, I told my ex boyfriend that I still have really deep feelings for him. The message I sent him was really long and took me almost an hour to write. His response? "Dun dun dunnn, the plot thickens!" Then he signed off. FML

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

Today, I receved a parking ticket for $150 from my husband who is a police officer and who aparently can't remember licence plate numbers. FML

charlie

this cat is crazy.

working at earth fare is crazy.

i'm now 21 and about to begin my final year of college...
crazy.

corbin is amazing...not crazy.

I CANT WAIT TO SEE HARRY POTTER

the end.

nerves

i don't know why, but lately i've been kind of stressed by really stupid things. i am looking too far ahead instead of focusing on what's happening right now. it's frustrating. i think i've just entered one of those places where i'm 'lukewarm' and not on fire by anything. this happens way too often. the sad thing, though, is that i have no strong desire to change. whhyyy do people do this? i feel sometimes that i'm the worst. that's probably a selfish thought. i'm not sure.

i start work this week and i'm really nervous. i know it will be great..it's just getting through the initial stage that sucks usually. honestly, i think what makes me nervous is the fact that i'm entering my final year at UT and i'm afraid that i'm not really going to be around much. i'll be taking a pretty heavy load at school and whenever i'm free i'll either be working or doing homework. i feel that that leaves little time to be around those i love. i saw ethan last night and we talked about how we wanted to actually see people more this year. i guess i was just thinking about it and realized that i would be so disappoined if i couldn't be a part of that.

this really is a worthless post. i'll try and find something more interesting to post later.

i'll leave whoever actually reads this with this statement from fmylife.com:

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

will

i found these on my computer....they're incredible.



when lady and critter were wee ones.


so incredibly attractive...apparently ben agrees, and can't seem to control his laughter.
i can't believe we ever looked like this.


wiiiiiiillllll. hahaha i just had to put this on here.
look how chewy.

je suis fatigue

oh, i have a new blog of my cooking adventures from this summer...check it.

as i sit here barely awake, i stumble upon this:

"when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born--and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible."

i have no clue who wrote it, but i love it.
i feel like this is how my life has been unfolding over the past year.
so many things were not working out, but all is well right now and i'm very happy to just...be.

the confessionals of a dashboard

so...corbin and i ventured to atlanta this past wednesday and saw the national.
it was incredible.
on the way home, we began with a bunch of loud songs that we hadn't heard in a while and sang along to each as loudly as we could.
after finding a mix a friend had made me in my cd player, corbin just kind of, you know, sang along.
to those who have never experienced this side of corbin....here you go.



i love it.

goodbye, dear boy

today has been an interesting one.
i awoke at 11, disappointed once again that i cannot seem to wake up at a decent hour to begin the day.
i ate a banana.
woke up alice.
got a babysitting job for next week.
went to the bursar's office to rid myself of almost two grand... thanks, UT.
complained about the humidity and dislike for southern summer weather.
sat at home almost bored to tears, then received one of the most disappointing phone calls in my life.
my darling dog, critter, whom i have known for almost my entire life had to be put to sleep this afternoon.
i was home this past weekend, and barely saw him, but mainly because i was unaware that he was doing so poorly.
my dad had to pull the trigger today by making the decision at the vet's office, and once again i was reminded that i am not made of stone and am quite capable of crying for a solid amount of time.
i honestly have no idea why i am writing this now, especially on such a public domain, but i really just want to clear my head.
this dog was one of the reasons that everyone who knows me understands my undying love for canines.
he was one of my best friends.
i remember when we first got him.
we went to a farm and bought him and lady, his sister.
my grandfather called him a puppy with a bad monkey suit.
he was the runt of the litter and probably one of the most pitifully adorable creatures i've ever seen.
that was twelve years ago.
i hope that i can have my own dog someday that can live up to him.
he was a good one that can't really be beat.

my undying love for canines

i was watching this video the other night and i doubt that i have ever had that much trouble breathing from laughing.

dogs make my life complete.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGxqxTw4qLc

here goes nothing...

so, my goal this summer is to get in shape again.
today i start my day of training for training's sake....
running.

i am convinced that there will be a day in my life that i can enjoy this....
hopefully.

climbing, hiking, and any other thing is a must.
i want to live in the outdoors this summer and enjoy every minute of it.

'cause nothing will last forever

I haven't posted on this in forever.
There have been so many random things that have been happening, I can't even seem to keep track.
I have noticed my great struggle to become grown up now.
This was something that I couldn't seem to shake, but it has improved greatly.
I am already looking at grad schools and will be applying next year.
I feel such a lack of confidence in where I want to go and what I want to do.
I was preventing myself from staying up late and going out with friends.
I was acting like I wasn't in college and was trying to become this artificial stiff person.
The past two weeks this has changed greatly.
I think I have finally overcome my endless stream of illness and last weekend I actually went out and stayed up late.
Yes, I do need to think maturely in the sense that I have some important decisions to make in the near future, but that doesn't mean that I have to pretend that I'm a boring adult.
I mean, come on, I couldn't even pull that off if I wanted to. I barely look my age anyway.
The stress from the two weeks of school I have left has suddenly left me for no apparent reason.
This is odd considering today that I found out that I have surpassed the amount of absences I'm allowed for digital photo which means that I could possibly fail.
I won't lie, I left class fighting back some major tears, realizing that I am about to fail the class that has my major as its title, but that doesn't mean that I can't press on and hold my head high.
After an outing with Annie to eat the best crepes I have ever had (food makes everything better) I am feeling at peace.
I can do this.
I want to be a photographer and damnit, I will become one!
My mom sent me a link of a gorgeous married couple that has their own studio in Savannah, and after reading their bio I feel completely inspired.
They had no educational training whatsoever and their work is beautiful and they're successful.
If this is what I want and am passionate about, then why not just go for it!
I can get there.
God knows how to lead me, I think now all I need to do is learn how to be a better follower.



Ok....now for some new stuff. This is very early in the making, but here are some pictures I took last night for my final self-assigned project. I am calling it "painting with light." Michael and Leah were so dear to take time away from being together to help me. It was loads of fun.

sunny and warm

i have spent the past week in destin and am now back in knoxville.
honestly, this week couldn't have been any better.
it was exactly what i needed.
new friends and old friends together on the sand, in the waves, basking in the sun...
perfect.
i finished a book.
i became covered with new freckles.
i laughed a very large amount and i was so relaxed.
the drive back was great too with will, jeff, and gary.
any car ride that consists primarily of soundtrack listening is deemed perfect in my book.
getting back was kind of bittersweet, though.
the initial step out of will's car was unpleasant considering that it was a good twenty degrees cooler than the previous time i had been out of the car.
a deep sigh and back i went into the life that is knoxville.
after two days i have finally accepted being back and i am content with it.
my hands are stained thalo blue with spots of 1796 from the print lab and i am about to pick up a new book i purchased yesterday.
this book comes highly recommended by me already.
it's steinbeck's "travels with charlie."
if you haven't already, please read it.
i was crying laughing yesterday.
what a witty man.

236

my video prof. humiliated me in front of the entire class today.
i cried.
i never cry.

i can't wait to be basking in the sun...

As of Late and Some Pictures

So, lately life has been so good.
I hit an ultimate low point last week and after realizing that I was not myself, I decided to change the way each day was going.
This week, after many hours spent slaving over art projects in the A and A, I am feeling so different.
I have energy again.
I feel like I'm radiating with smiles...because each day seems only to get better.
Sometimes effort is needed to move forward.
I wasn't really moving forward before.
I was standing still.
Now I'm me again.

Aside from this, I am really loving my digital photo class.
Here are some projects that I've completed this semester:

This was an erasing project. I erased Alice's cell phone to prove how addicted we are to technology. It didn't turn out how I wanted, but oh well.


This is my composite of an alley behind market square:

I was going to add another picture, but my computer loves to mess with me, so it won't let me add it right now...soon to come, soon to come.

road rage

the power is out at me casa.
i sit alone in the library.
every day that passes seems to be yet another check off of my list.
nothing really seems special about any day.
i am pretty content, though.
i just feel that i'm in this stagnant state where nothing is really changing.
nothing sticks out to me.
i feel like i'm floating through time.
i'm still struggling to breathe.
i'm that annoying girl in your class that sounds repulsive every time she coughs.
when i talk i sound like i'm about to go through puberty.
it's really attractive; people should be jealous.

today i was behind one of those old lady drivers that you wonder how people even let her out of the house. driving west on kingston the road was actually quite dangerous to be driving on. it was right at the peak of rush hour and the roads were very wet from the storm. the sun was beginning to set and reflected gold like a spear to your eye. i really thought i was going blind as the seconds passed. luckily i can see just fine as i type this. now i understand that visibility was slim, but this lady had no clue what she was doing. despite the fact that she was going slow, she almost caused a wreck, which caused me to swerve into the right lane. her brakes screeched and i just kind of sat next to her with a nervous expression on my face. she had her hand up in the air trying to block the unlight, but obviously this was is no way working in her favor. she then preceded to drive into the opposite lane thinking that it was a turn lane. at this point i had moved back behind her in the line of cars at the light at lyon's view to turn left. the light wasn't working, so it was finctioning as a 3-way stop. the lady went left around the cars on the wrong side of the road thinking it was a turn lane. cars were honking at her and she would not move. thankfully, she finally did and i drove home confused at why she even owned a car.

i hope i'm not one of those when i'm that age.

faster better stronger

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

--James 1:2-4

My mom gave me this verse this weekend and it filled me with peace.
I feel like I'm being molded into someone that's meant to help others.
I am feeling stronger.
I still have weak points, but I am finally learning instead of fighting.
I don't feel overwhelmed or overly stressed.
This is such a blessing.

I will put pictures on here eventually...

as i lay in bed

having been awake off and on since 5 am, i feel that i have had an ample amount of time to contemplate things.
the past year has been quite an odd one for me.
i feel that i can safely say that i am not a very emotional person and over the course of the past year, i feel that i have felt every emotion possible.
having been consistently ill, i often have questioned God's presence in my life.
this has been a big question lately.
i feel like most days i go to sleep contemplating if things would be better if i just never woke up in the morning.
i wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore.
my body would be healed.
i don't think i've ever been so physically and emotionally exhausted.
moving and thinking is quite a task for me to complete.
i just wish i could sail way to some distant place sometimes...
but then... i wouldn't get to experience the joy of roommates running into my room to tell me that it's snowing.
or laugh at things until my sides ache.
or listen to music that makes my insides hurt.
or dance like an idiot.
or feel love.
it's almost as if it takes writing what i'm feeling for me to realize that there are good things in my life.
i seem to always forget.
i may be confused by the fact that being ill at the moment has cost two-hundred dollars and that i still have a long way to go, but as i was telling alice the other day, i guess it's better that it's me than someone else who couldn't handle it.
i'm constantly learning through all of this and i think it is making me stronger.
i've had to learn how to be very patient.
now i can just sit in bed, eat rosemary potatoes, drink tea, and wait until i get to go home and let my mom take care of me.
i guess it's not so bad.

Place

today earl and i embarked on the wonderful journey of printing.
i sweat.
we pulled six prints.
one newsprint.
five on BFK white.

this is my interpretation of place:

non-narcotic

good lord, it's like my body refuses to heal itself.
i have bronchitis now and am on "non-narcotic" cough suppressants and antibiotics.
i think i have pulled a muscle in my side.
c'est tres bizarre.

this weekend i went skiing.
i was on my butt the majority of the time, but finally got the hang of it again.
sunday i attended my first ski class and it was pretty enjoyable.
my instructor, quotes alice, probably was a pot-head at some point in his life.
he has a walrus mustache and goes by rob.
a snowboarder almost took him out and then got mad.
i chuckled.

i pull my first print tomorrow.
i'm extremely excited about it.
earl (my 52 lb. limestone) will hopefully cooperate.
i'm actually pleased with how the sketch looks on the stone, so we shall see.

i'm ready for warmth.
i wish to be at the beach.
already.

tonight i will hopefully sleep.

the low tonight is 9 degrees

that is so miserably cold.
i went to the grocery today in shorts.
a man told me that i was very brave, but i was young, so i could do it just fine.
everything has been weird lately.
i am angry or sad most of the time.
seldom do i feel content or at peace.
i'm restless.
lonely.
frustrated.
i think i shall sleep on it.
although... i've been sleeping on it for a few weeks.
no improvement.